


Merry Christmas

by OddEverAfter



Category: Backstrom (TV)
Genre: Bad Decisions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Implied/Referenced Incest, M/M, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Drug Use, Past Prostitution, Past Rape/Non-con, Slow Burn, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-19
Updated: 2017-02-01
Packaged: 2018-03-24 17:13:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 34,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3776770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OddEverAfter/pseuds/OddEverAfter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everett Backstrom thought it was strange how your brain always decides to take in every detail during bad situations.</p><p>UPDATE Feb 2017</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beautiful piece of art...

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! First I just want you all to know that this is un Beta and if you would like to help me out let me know.  
> I have been toying with this story in my head for some time and I really want to try it out. Will eventually have Backstrom/Valentine (i call them valstrom) in later chapters, Neidermayer/Paquet, Backstrom&Amy friendship, Valentine&Neidermayer friendship, mentions of rape/non-con, and character death. If you do not like that then this will not be a story for you. Will delve from the shows canon to fit my needs so I will be toying with character relationships and family relationships. Tags will change as story progresses.  
> I do not have a set schedule for this since I am working on other things atm but I will try to update as much as possible. This will be a lot of chapters... it started as 15 then became 20... it's just getting longer and longer. I have no idea how long it'll be in the end. Hope you enjoy!

The only thing that was worse than getting shot, was watching someone else get shot for you. He's a cop. He's used to having the gun and pointing it when he needed to be authoritative or demanding. He shot a man in cold blood already. Not every one can say that. By no means was he above anyone else just because he was allowed to. Having a gun that came with a badge in hand was no excuse to use said gun. Having a criminal background and a long list of already cold bodies didn't give anyone the right to use a gun either. At this point in time, Everett already had a bad reputation with his side arm. He hated every gun he'd ever laid eyes on. When your dad hounds into you the importance of never touching or going near a gun, you're suppose to listen. Who was he kidding. Everett never paid attention to his fathers "fatherly advice". Maybe that was why yet again he was pointing a gun at a man and having no clue what to do. He was freezing up again. Eugene Visser all over again, except this time the man Everett pointed his gun at had one pointed at him too. 

"Put your gun down!" It was the third time he ordered the man to drop it. As the minutes ticked by the sleazy smile on the mans face grew wider and wider. Alexander Miss, a man wanted for six counts of first degree murder of minors gone missing in the local school districts. Thanks to Neidermayer and the criminals slip up, Everett figured out the man currently masking himself as the arts teacher was picking his prey from his students. Miss was a good actor. The first time they met him while interrogating the teaching staff, he was all smiles and kind words. He had Gravely and Almond eating out of his hand. Everett Backstrom was no fool to kind faces and the man was his public enemy number one from the beginning. Paquet said he was just being bitter and Moto wanted them to bond over some stupid still life project Miss' class was doing. Why did he ever say he was artistically inclined? Neidermayer pointed out the mans mistake when comparing a Rubens versus Burnett painting. How that man had so much useless knowledge Everett didn't want to know.

After two weeks of trying to make himself not look like an idiot, Backstrom set up bait. Five hundred dollars out of his pocket found Everett with a fresh faced and all smiles Gregory Valentine playing undercover at the school. Everyone said it was a bad idea but like hell he would agree to let Gravely dawn a school girl outfit and parade around the high school boys. He may not of liked her but he was going to at least show her some respect. Valentine on the other hand? Jumped at the chance to see all of what he missed. That included the senior boys that Val would list off to Everett as almost legal enough to tell him stories about. He fiercely declined any information on them. 

"You have no idea what your doing Detective." Miss chided. "You're so misguided in your own opinions and beliefs that you wouldn't understand the beauty in their deaths." Did Everett mention that the kind hearted middle aged art teacher turned out to not only have a gun but was crazy too?

"Why don't you enlighten me when I bring you down to the station? Now put your gun down on the ground." Everett wasn't going to get help with this one. He called into the station informing everyone that he was going to the schools open house 'Christmas eve gala of the arts' and to not bother helping out. Backstrom and Valentine would be able to put on a nice family front of support and ham it up to get closer to Miss. Get what they could out of him and make plans for later. 

"I don't think so Detective. You see, I have been making my art for years. I've had those that push me back but in the end I will always be successful. "Miss shifted his gun to Backstroms left. Glancing over Everett caught sight of Valentine flinching. Valentine not only got the attention of his fellow students but the attention of Miss as well. According to Val, Miss warmed up to him quite quickly and even though it never moved into anything sexual, Valentine used his prowess however he could. Miss "saw a bright future" in him according to Valentine. Little did they both know that the man saw his next art piece in his new student. During the student art viewing Miss asked to talk to Valentine privately about a scholarship letter he had been working on for him. Backstrom stayed back but when Miss lead Valentine up to the roof Everett got antsy. Ten minutes later Everett walked in on Miss and Valentine grappling on the flat roof of the school. 

"I think your gonna have to pass on this little art piece, don't you think?" Backstrom stepped in front of Valentine and shielded him with his body. Bravery also wasn't his strong point but Val was family. The only real family Backstrom had since... ever. Valentine was the only person left in his life to even give a damn. Sure they had moments where they wanted to stuff a pillow over the others face but deep down, Valentine wasn't replaceable to Everett. Valentine, with is snark since of humor and nonchalant way of showing he cared, was Everetts life line. Everett wasn't stupid. With the shit that was thrown his way for the past few years, he should of been dead. Valentine was pretty much the only reason he still stuck around and didn't drink and drug himself into a coma. The younger man had a harder hand dealt than Everett did. Even though Val never admitted to it, they both knew Backstrom was his saving grace. Not even Vals mother could fix the damage that was done. So no gun was going to take one away from the other. Of course being a human shield would probably negate that.

"Gregory is quite a work of art on his own, don't you think Detective?" Backstrom heard Valentine move behind him. "Works of art are loved and must be viewed by all, to spread that love to others. That is what I do as the creator of those masterpieces you've been finding. Spreading them out for all to bask in." 

"Don't make me throw up! You think a little part of someone here and another over there is gonna make people feel love and aw? This isn't some artistic crap. Its murder." Backstrom corrected Miss but the man was beyond reason.

A small beep came behind Backstrom and judging by the look on Miss' face he heard it too. "Their on their way. Ten minutes." Valentine whispered for Everett to hear.

"Whatever it is you plan on doing Detective I suggest you do it fast. You see i'm no murderer. I'm an artist. I don't want to shot you. I only want to finish what Gregory and I have started."

"You didn't start anything with him. Trust me i'd hear about it." Backstrom adjusted the gun in his hand. Knowing that Almond and the others were coming helped the situation a little but it didn't help the sweat now coating his hands.

"Ever since he walked into my class, we shared a bond of understanding. Your brother understands the beauty and pain the world has to offer. With him we can reflect that beauty and pain back. Let the world see itself better in a way only it understands."

"You really think all this crap your telling me is gonna make understand better? You are really crazy aren't you." Everett felt a hand smack into his shoulder.

"Don't antagonize a man with a gun." Valentine hissed at him.

"Says the guy that just hit a guy with a gun." Backstrom glared over to find Valentine almost beside him again. "You wanna get shot?" Valentine glared back but said nothing.

Sirens could be heard not far off from the school. Miss glanced behind them seeing nothing from the height.

"I do believe you've angered the artist Detective Backstrom. I can not make beautiful art when angry." Miss shifted over and began walking off to the side of the building. With his gun still held in their direction, Backstrom and Valentine shifted with him, keeping themselves as far from Miss as possible. 

"I thought you would understand me Detective. You are a man that has also seen the beauty in this world," Miss motioned to Valentine with his gun hand. "And its pain." With his open hand pointed over the edge of the building to what Everett guessed was the police on the ground. "I will never be able to show the world what it needs to see. To let it see what it needs to be able to one day fix itself."

Miss re aimed his gun straight at Everetts chest. "That included you Detective... I guess sacrifices must be made and my art must itself change with it." Miss walked back to the buildings edge. Miss was going to jump and take him out in the process. Backstrom sucked in a breath quickly as adrenaline jolted through his body. Miss fired a shot that surprisingly didn't hit anyone. 

"No!" Valentine grabbed Backstrom and pulled him back as Miss fired again before backing up. Valentine held onto him with a vice grip to his front as Everett watched the murderer walk himself into suicide. It was too easy. A mad man harping about art and wanting to show the world pain and beauty just let himself fail. Backstrom grabbed onto Valentines hands, balled into his shirt, and pulled. Val stepped back slightly and paled immediately. 

"Are you okay?" Backstrom held onto him but Valentine didn't answer. He couldn't see his face with it turned down but it appeared the question didn't even register. "Valentine?" 

Everett thought it was strange how your brain always decided to take in every detail during bad situations. The smell of grass and rocks when the D'agostino brothers made Everett eat dirt. What his father was wearing the day he hit him for going into his lock box. How under cooked the steak was for the dinner Amy planned for him when she admitted she wanted out of their relationship. The pain in his arm when he made that decision with Visser and the gun he threw into the water. What the sky looked like the day he found out about his mothers suicide. Now it was the feeling of heat. The extreme cold Everetts body was being exposed to being outside at night in late December was ignored. Everetts hands came up to Valentines chest and felt warm. Warmer than just an average body temperature. 

"Val!" That was when Valentine's legs gave out and they both went down. Everett pulled Valentine away only to see red coating his pale grey shirt. Miss hadn't missed. 

"Valentine!" Backstrom pulled Val closer to him to look at the smaller mans back. A clean shot into the middle left. Valentine screamed out while being moved before he started coughing. Backstrom moved him to lay on the ground. Putting pressure on Val's front made the man coughing increase.

"Backstrom?" Valentine managed to spit out. Pain and fear was all over his face. It wasn't the same as when Everett saw Valentine after Trippi attacked. Valentine was upset and in pain but alive and they both knew it was going to be okay. This time...

"Look at me! Almond and the others'll be up here soon. Then paramedics will take over. You're gonna be okay." Valentine was crying. Everett was sure he was about to as well. Backstroms blood coated hands tried to do something, anything.

"I'm sorry." Valentine grabbed of Everetts. "I'm sorry." Blood was coming from Valentines mouth. Everett could guess where the bullet had landed inside Vals body. If someone didn't get to them soon Backstrom was going to loose him.

"It's okay. You're okay." Backstrom felt the ribs under his hands start stuttering and looked back to the roof door. "God! Come on."He hated feeling useless. His whole life was nothing but him being reminded on how much he couldn't do. 

"I'm-" Valentine paused and Backstrom looked back down to him. Valentines eyes were still open and Everett could see his mouth moving in fractions. 

"Val."

"Detective!" Valentines eyes rolled back at the same moment Almonds voice range out over the flat space. Backstrom grabbed onto the now limp body and shock as hard as he could.

"Valentine!" He looked back with a pleading face. "Help me!"

Almond was followed by Moto and 3 other armed uniforms. A paramedics team directly behind them. Backstrom was pushed back as soon as the trained medical unit got close enough. Moto pulled him even farther back when a woman told them to move away. Everett couldn't tell what they were doing but with his limited experience there wasn't much they could do. Another 2 medical officers appeared and hauled Valentine off the ground and onto a plastic board. 

Everett tried to pay attention to detail. Tried to see how they were helping Valentine and where they were moving him... but he couldn't. Shock took over his senses and left him standing there with Moto in his ear trying to get him to respond. The only thing worse than being shot himself, was letting someone get shot because of him. He was used to having the gun be pointed in his direction, not having the gun be pointed at someone else. Someone like Valentine. Someone who would be stupid enough to stand in front of him to take the bullet. He wasn't worth that. 

"Sir. Their moving Valentine to the nearest hospital." Almond came up beside him, grabbing his arm and squeezing. The pressure forced Backstrom back into the present. "The EMT standing by was told by paramedics Gregory Valentine might not even make it there."

Backstrom sucked in air. He didn't want to talk about that. "Moto take me to the hospital. Now!"

"Yes sir." Moto took off to the door leading down. Almond still had his hand firmly on Everetts keeping him still for a moment.

"It wasn't your fault." Backstrom wanted to yank away. Scream at the man for how ignorant he could be to the situation. They both knew what happened even if Almond and the the rest of the force came later. It was Backstroms plan from the beginning. If he was the one that started all of it, the blame had to go to him.

"Detective!" Moto called back to him and Almond let go. For a moment Everett wanted to say something but time wasn't on any ones side right now. He had to get to the hospital. He had to see Valentine again. Either alive and hocked up with wires to machines or cold in a stone and medal room. Whatever the outcome he had to be there.

\-----


	2. We're not family...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For a holiday it was eerily calm or maybe family members hadn't woken up yet to start yelling and strangling each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!  
> I thought I would point out that time frame wise this is set at the end of the year after season 1.   
> Still no Beta but i'm trying to keep my spelling/grammar in check. I apologies for any flaws.  
> Enjoy!

Hospitals where a place Everett never wanted to go into and he questioned anyone that voluntarily went into one, let alone work at one. White walls, glaring lights, a constant smell or antiseptic... and the noise. The noise was what got to him. If it wasn't full of chaos, screaming, crying, or beeping, then it was silent. Dead silence in a hospital was a bad omen in Backstrom's book. Silence was death itself manifested in sound, or in this case the lack there of. 

For a holiday it was eerily calm or maybe family members hadn't woken up yet to start yelling and strangling each other. That's what the holidays were all about, wasn't it? Waking up to a house full of people who only cared about what they got under a dead tree than the very people across from them. And the anxiety people suffered. It was all about what other people wanted and not letting them down. The holidays were suppose to be happy time? Everett knew better. It was a reminder of how bad of a human being you were, how lonely you really were, and not to mention how empty your pockets felt before, after, and during the season. 

Everett Backstrom wasn't a poor man. He didn't live in a high rise off park avenue but he was doing well on his own, or maybe not on his own. He knew how horrible a person he was. Every morning waking up, looking in the mirror, and asking himself if today would be the day his body would give out. His body wasn't the one on some table, surrounded by people he didn't know in a hospital... dying. No one would wait outside in the white walled halls to hear if he made it or not. Everett Backstrom, with his constant anger and aloof personality, made sure no one cared if he lived or died. His final outcome wasn't going to be a let down for anyone and that's what he preferred. At one point in his life he would probably thought differently. When he did have people counting on him, or one person really. Who was he kidding? Everyone in his life left one way or another. They either slammed a door in his face or left without Backstrom even realizing it. This time was different.

Everett sat straighter on his seat and looked down the left hallway. Double doors led to a long hall he couldn't see. Even farther away was a room where Valentine laid. The younger man couldn't slam a door in the Detectives face and Backstrom knew exactly what happened if he never saw Valentine again. 

"Lieutenant?" Backstrom turned away from the OR and saw Gravely standing in the middle of the hall. At the moment Everett wondered just how long he'd been sitting there. Stuck in his own thoughts he didn't even hear her walk up to him. When did she even get there?

"Lieutenant, have you heard anything about Valentine?" Backstrom looked away and stared at the double doors again.

"No." His voice didn't register in his own ears but he knows he'd said it by the sigh he heard come from Gravely. All he wanted was an answer to his questions.

The moment they rushed Valentine through the OR doors Everett grabbed anyone he could find with a hospital id stuck to their shirt. No one knew about Valentines condition and no one could give him a straight answer. They didn't know anything but Everett was sure they had the ability to find out. He was just another face to them. People came in and out of hospitals. Most as quickly as possible. Every day they had to deal with people just like him. Like all those people left to wait he sat there. Holding his breath every time he saw a shadow or a person on the other side of the door. 

"It's been five hours since he's gone back there. Did you ask anyone at the nurses station about him?" Backstrom didn't answer her and looked at the woman behind a desk across the hall from him. Of course he asked. Gave up asking hours ago after she threatened to have guards remove him from the hospital completely.

He watched Gravely stride up to the woman and slammed her hands on the desk. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I was wondering if I could get an update on a patients condition." Backstrom wanted to laugh at Gravel's tone. She could be authoritative when she wanted to be. Backstrom gave her credit for the effort but he tried the authority card on the nurse earlier.

"I'm sorry mam," Backstrom shook his head and frowned. "If you're wondering about the patient, Gregory Valentine, there isn't any information on him at this time. If you can please take a seat, a doctor will be out as soon as one is available." 

Gravely put her hands on her hips. "It being a holiday, even if by the looks of it a slow one, i'm sure there's someone else who could take a moment to find out something. His family has been waiting for hours to hear something... anything."

The nurse looked around Gravely to Everett and back to her desk. She started typing and that peaked Everett's attention a little. If Gravely actually got to the nurse to help out he was gonna owe her. He didn't care if it was a weeks paid vacation to the Bahamas at that point.

The nurse glanced back at Backstrom. "According to the information the gentleman provided when he came in, we are waiting for his next of kin to arrive to speak with the doctor overseeing Gregory Valentine." 

Backstrom shot up from his chair and stormed over to the nurse. "I am next of kin!"

"Sir." Gravely stepped back from him.

"It's not my fault you idiots took me mentioning his mother to remove me from the kin list. I'm his brother! Isn't that kin enough for you people?" 

"I'm sorry sir but without proof, for all we know you could be just a man off the street." Backstrom through his hands up in anger. 

"I left my wallet at home. Look me up! Lieutenant Everett Backstrom, Portland Special Crimes, i'm in your stupid ass system. I've been here before."

"Sir please." Gravely pulled on his arm. "Arguing with the nursing staff isn't gonna help you." Backstrom backed away from the desk and began pacing the hall. 

"Mam, My name is Detective Nicole Gravely." She pulled out her badge and ID to show the woman. "This man is the patients next of kin. So if there's anything you could tell us it would greatly appreciated." 

The nurse frowned at them and began typing into her computer again. "I'm sorry detective. According to my computer Gregory Valentine is still in the operating room. There hasn't been any updates on his condition."

"Is there anything about what procedures their doing?"

The nurse looked over her screen again. "Dr. Samuel Linch is the lead doctor overseeing the patient. He's one of our top surgeons currently in this hospital. I'm sure your friend will be just fine."

Backstrom stalked to the desk again but kept his distance. "Do not tell me that everything is alright! I spend hours trying to get anything from you and now you say he's just alright. You weren't the one that had his blood on your hands or hearing that he was flat lining on the way here!"

"Sir." Gravely pulled him back away.

"You can't tell me there isn't one God damn person in this building that can give me a real answer!" Gravely pulled him back to the chairs and far away from the nurse. Everett didn't want to sit down and stay quite. The constant silence in the hall was driving him crazy. His yelling was the only thing keeping him sane. Maybe if he made enough noise the security forced him out of the building. he could sneak back in through an emergency door leading out of the OR.

"Lieutenant?" Gravely and Backstrom turned to see Niedermayer and Moto walking down the hall. Everett really didn't want Niedermayer to start sprouting some calming and healing mantra at him right not. He gave him props for his way with people but Backstrom wasn't feeling it.

"Hows Valentine?" Everett rolled his eyes and pointed at the nurse again.

"Ask her." Niedermayer and Moto shared a look and Moto walked over to the nurses desk. "She doesn't have anything. First I get nothing but circles, Gravely got an "everything going to be okay" answer, and apparently i'm not family enough to get to talk some surgeon. What happened with Miss?"

Backstrom didn't care about the suicidal mad man but anything to keep him focused would help.

"Miss is dead. No real need to explain how. The extra security you wanted, before Valentine went undercover, caught part of the altercation on camera. Detective Almond is going over final details of the case at this time. He wanted to be here and told me to tell you, he'll be here as soon as he can." Backstrom nodded. "But, there may be some problems with us using a civilian to go undercover on a murder case."

Backstrom glared at him. "Not like we haven't before." Niedermayer adjusted his stance. 

"Of course it wasn't life or death before either, sir." Backstrom felt his temper flare up but didn't get a chance to respond.

"The nurser says she doesn't know anything." Moto chimed in. For the second time Everett through his hands up in defeat. 

"Thank you Moto, you're always so helpful." Backstrom fell back into a chair and cradled his head in his hands. Time was ticking by too slowly. Everything was going badly and he didn't know if he had enough mental strength to keep with it all.

Off down the hall they heard a woman call out. It was obvious she was angry by her tone but her quick and erratic movements were what caught them off guard.

"Where is he!?" Backstrom recognized her as she came closer to them. Lou Finster, ex drug addict and mother of the century. "Where is my son, Everett?"

He stood from his chair, ready to hear all of what Louise had to say to him. He didn't anticipate the hard slap to his face though. Moto and Neidermayer pulled her back from Backstrom. 

"I trusted him with you and this is what happens!? I left him with you to protect him, not let this happen! Let go." She pulled her arms free but the two men kept close in case of her lashing out again. 

"Lou, i'll explain as much as I can to you but-"

"No, Everett! You knew that something like this could happen if you let him follow you around. Val only wanted to make you happy and this is what happens? I would of never let him get anywhere near a crime scene let alone some murderer."

"So it's my fault that he latches onto the any person that gives him attention? That's rich coming from you of all people." Backstrom got into the small womans face. "You would keep him safe? Last I checked it was you that forced him out on the streets. Following in mommies footsteps."

Louise tried to lash out at Everett again but was held back. "It's not my fault he's dying Everett! I can't live with loosing my boy. Do you realize how hurt I was about what happened to him years ago? How much he couldn't stand to be near me after that. I'm his mother-"

"You were never his mother! You were a drugged out prostitute that only cared about her next fix until she saw the light." 

"Lieutenant!" Gravely tried to scold him. Everett didn't care.

"It's all about you Lou, it's always been about you." Louise was turning red in Neidermayer and Moto's arms. 

"I'm his family Everett."

"No, i'm his family. I took him in when you couldn't take care of him. I made sure some sicko didn't take him off somewhere. Where were you Lou? Learning t get on your knees for God?"

"I lied to you!" Louise tried to pull away but was held still. "You're right Everett. I couldn't handle him after what happened... But I wasn't going to toss him aside thinking that he wasn't mine."

"I wasn't gonna toss him out."

"You were. I was there, remember? All that being upset he wasn't your son." She glared at him. "He isn't your brother either. He never was!" Louise finally pulled away once Neidermayer and Moto's grip loosened. She stayed where she was.

"He may not of been raised with me but he's still my family Lou. Seventeen years under you and he's worse than you could ever be. Eight years with me, happier than you've ever seen him, what are you jealous?" Everett was stooping lower than he should. Louise was a horrible mother in Val's early years. Only after she pointed out she slept when Everett's dad did she start to play a role as mother again. She wasn't always there but she made attempts. Valentine didn't push her away either. Everett knew Valentine wanted that connection. Even after all of that pain growing up. Not being able to have a mothers love was something Everett knew all to well. He would never admit it out loud. If he was given a chance with his mother, even now, he would jump at it.

"I slept with your father but I never had his child." Everyone paused. "Blue Backstrom isn't Val's father. I lied to you." Backstrom wanted to hear the joke. He searched Louise's face for any sign of a lie but found nothing. She was dead serious with what she said.

"No... you said-"

"I know what I said." She interrupted. "You were going to make him leave, Everett. He would of never stayed with me. I wasn't going to let him crawl back to the streets and end up in a ditch somewhere. I've been a horrible mother and I made my horrible decisions but I wasn't going to let him destroy himself like I tried to do."

Everett felt his blood run cold. The silence was creeping back in on him and he felt like throwing up. Everett Backstrom really was a horrible human being. He heard the stories and saw the damage done to Valentine. Everett, thinking he could keep him safe, would of pushed Valentine back into that hell he escaped from. All because of what? Because they weren't related, he didn't want to have his own heat broken again, or because he thought his team would of seen it as the best option?

"Family of Valentine?" A doctor called out from the opening leading to the OR. Louise threw a viscous look at Everett one last time before heading down the hall. They talked in hushed tones before she and the doctor disappeared behind the doors.   
Everett wanted to follow but now? He couldn't. He was stuck to sit outside and wait, with the white walls, and the quite. He really wasn't family enough to find out anything. 

"Sir." Gravely placed a hand on his arm but he shrugged it away and sat down again. She didn't need a response so he didn't give one.

He went back to that moment. Valentine looking up at him asking him if Everett was kicking him out and the excuses Everett gave on why it wouldn't work out. Valentine was right though. Years of the same thing, why did that time matter? He remember Lou not wanting Val to meet Blue and now he knew why. She didn't want to get caught in her lie. Blue Backstrom wouldn't give two shits about Valentine. Val wasn't his, wasn't Blues, wasn't family.

Everett looked at the OR doors and felt his eyes water. Why wasn't he just leaving then? 

\------


	3. Remember when... part1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Only Everett knew how he felt being around the young thief. At least, he thought he did. Damn Niedermayer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ended up being a little too long so i've decided to split it. So now it's up to 16 chapters. This might end up happening to later chapters too. Not sure yet. Sorry for the cliff hanger style ending. Hope you enjoy!

Christmas afternoon did prove to fill up the hospital like Everett thought it would. He kept himself in the same chair, waiting for Louise or anyone to come out to say something. So he waited. Gravely left him close to dawn, followed by Moto, who said he had to visit his son. Backstrom didn't blame him. If Frank Moto wasn't explaining his plans to get out of his uniform he was talking to Backstrom about his son. Everett reminded him constantly that he didn't care, apparently neither did Moto. The mans life revolved around his boy. How proud his son was that he was helping with this case or that. Moto wasn't a let down to those that cared about him. Not like Everett.

"Did you want a coffee from the lounge area sir?" That left Everett with Niedermayer. Almond called him not to long after Moto left explaining how he still couldn't be there. Backstrom preferred the company of the pastor over the forensics specialist. Almond understood him, at least to a point. He didn't try to make things better with pretty words. He called out Everett on his shit. Niedermayer on the other hand was a suck up. Always wanting to please everyone or make them comfortable. No matter how many times Everett tried to push him away he would always pop back up like a dog wanting to please its owner. He's a sickeningly sweet, caring person... completely opposite of Backstrom.

"No." After being awake for over 24 hours, Everett wanted to say yes. How he prayed to an unnamed deity that coffee would just appear instead of him having to get Niedermayer to help.

"Okay." The man got up and walked off down the hall. Backstrom took the opportunity and folded in the chair. He refused to show weakness. If he wasn't a stubborn ass he would of caved and left the hospital already. Everett didn't know if it was the lack of sleep messing with his head or a heart he refused to acknowledge, but he wasn't leaving till he heard something about his roommate. It was only 9 months ago that he started referring to Valentine as a brother in his head. After Louise's comment hours ago, he had to reevaluate that. Valentine wasn't family, but in this moment Everett refused to say he was nothing.

"Here." Everett jolted up in the chair to see Niedermayer holding a coffee cup out to him. He rolled his eyes but took it anyway. 

"I didn't ask for this." Niedermayer took a seat one chair down and smiled.

"I know." They both fell into a moment silence as they drank their small cups. Everett couldn't run on less than 8.oz of caffeine but it would have to do.

"Is it safe to say you aren't leaving the hospital today?" Niedermayer asked. Backstrom gave him a look. Of course Niedermayer wasn't going to just stay quite for long. 

"Why?" Everett put his empty cup on the chair beside him.

"Well we haven't heard anything about Valentine yet. I can get a hold of Almond, see if he's still at the office. I'm sure he can keep an eye on things for you till you get back." Backstrom frowned.

"I don't need your help Niedermayer. I can handle things." Niedermayer pulled his half full cup away.

"Can you, sir?" Everett paused. He didn't know how to answer that. He felt like he could handle it. Well, that was a lie. What if Louise came back weeping and telling Everett that Val didn't make it. Would he be able to just shrug it off and go back to work like normal?

"Iv'e been fortunate enough to have never experienced this situation. My mother and father, despite their years, are in good health. No scares with past partners during my few years as a cop. I mean, i've been to the hospital myself a few times but nothing overly serious. I've never come close to loosing a family member so I can only imagine what you're going through."

Backstrom shook his head. "Valentines not family Niedermayer." The man looked a bit shocked.

"He is your family sir."

"No, he's not. You were standing their when his mom said it. Gregory Valentine isn't related to me. Don't go pushing the family card on me. I wanna know if he lives or dies so I can figure out what bills I can pay next without the extra income." Niedermayer put his cup down on the ground.

"You don't mean that." Everett smiled but Niedermayer was right. Add that in to the shit Everett Backstrom says that's uncalled for. "Valentine doesn't have to be blood related for you to care."

Backstrom closed his eyes. "The few times iv'e seen the two of you together it's always been very interesting to watch." Everett glanced over to Niedermayer but kept his face straight ahead. He wanted to ask what Niedermayer meant but didn't have to.

"It's always been a cross between you two wanting to punch each other in the face, to... seeming like you're in your own little world. A world where the two of you have pushed everyone else out of. I'm not a psychologist but the dependence the two of you seemed to of created could end up unhealthy."

"What!?" Backstrom didn't understand. They weren't dependent on each other. The money was a good help but Backstrom didn't really need Val to help pay for bills. Valentine didn't need him to function either. Most of the time it seemed like the younger man was in his own orbit while Everett was floating off to the side to watch. 

"You may not see it sir, but I believe Valentine is the only person in your life right now that you even care about. I could say the same goes for him judging by him taking a bullet for you."

"He thought we were brothers."

"And before you were told that?" Everett had to think. What all did the two of them do before Louise threw the step brother card at them? Nothing different that he could think of. They still jibed at one another, still ate horrible food every night in front of his almost retro television. He couldn't put anything together that would make Niedermayer say that. Backstrom made sure he never showed real affection to anyone. Amy might have popped up here or there but he only bad mouthed her in front of his team. Even if he still might of held that candle of lost love close, he didn't slip with that around them. Only around Valentine. He tried not to count what happened in the ambulance with Trippi. He was on drugs and at that moment he thought Valentine could of been blood. 

"I don't know what you're talking about."Everett concluded. 

"You trying to take a bullet for the other, recently Valentine has been bring you lunch every-"

"Deb told him to do that."He interrupted. "Some health food thing. My cholesterol has been too high and he knows i'm not gonna just eat that crap on my own. Not to mention he's been stealing my cards and money out of my wallet so I can't get anything else."

"That weekend where you refused to show up to work while the two of you went to an American Kite fliers Festival." Everett refused to blush at that one. He remembered the faces of everyone when they showed up at the park thinking he'd drank himself into a coma. Valentine was the one that suggested they go so he could try the kite Everett made him. In a very strange and bizarre way, both of the hand made kites got quite the attention. Everett boasted about his skills as a kite maker at a young age, Valentines looks got them the attention, and they both went home on day one with someone on their arm. They devised a plan after that to play each others hands to get laid. Valentine was Everett's charity case. Having never gotten to experience such joys as a young child. Getting all the ladies hearts to melt. While Everett played the unloving partner for Valentine, that only wanted to relive glory years and was forcing him to come. With excuses of not wanting to be there he found other, whiling parties, that agreed to more interesting ways of enjoyment. 

In between those moments, Everett and Valentine really did enjoy themselves. Waking up earlier than both wanted, going for breakfast, having Valentine laugh at his jokes. He was going to make Val a penis for a kite but decided rocket would suffice. Valentine admitted he would of loved it either way. He never had anything in common with some one like that and that weekend had been one of the best in... years.

"That time you almost went to jail for him after he tried stealing from the Portland Art Museum. If I remember correctly, he was trying to steal a piece for your birthday. Or that time he refused to sleep in a tent by himself when he tagged along to an over night investigation at Silver Falls Park? Gravely still has the video of you two singing 'I will always love you' by Whitney Houston." Everett had to stop him there.

"What are you trying to get at Niedermayer?" The man smiled before answering.

"I'm saying, you came to me when you thought Valentine was your son. With my help you found out he was related to you in a different way."

"And yet, we were both wrong. So you can't use that as you being right about everything."

"Our conversation lead to you asking Valentines mother about your relation. It got you thinking of things you, on your own, wouldn't of thought about. I'm not trying to force my opinion on you sir. I'm trying to get you to think in a much broader picture." Niedermayer leaned in as far as the chair between them allowed. 

"I'm being completely honest with you Lieutenant Backstrom. If I thought you could actually handle this and make the correct choice, i wouldn't of said anything... but I can't sit here and watch you end this last connection in your life... Don't push Gregory Valentine away. Please." Everett could here the demand in the other mans voice. 

If his brain was fully functioning he would of quipped with Niedermayer being the one that wanted Valentine in his life. But the man pointed out too many things for Everett to comprehend in his current state.He tried to hold Niedermayer's gaze but could feel himself slipping. How could this man try to figure out what Backstrom himself couldn't. He was the one that saw Valentine everyday and night. Niedermayer wasn't there every moment of their lives. Only Everett knew how he felt being around the young thief. At least, he thought he did. Damn Niedermayer.

"Everett." The two men pulled their attention in the opposite direction of the OR. Louise was walking calmly their way. Backstrom held his breath and questioned why she came from another part of the hospital. "I need to speak with you. Alone if that's alright."

Niedermayer took that queue and excused himself to stand farther down the hall. Everett stood from his chair, almost feeling like he could fall back to the seat at any moment.

"The doctors finished the surgery before midnight. Val made it." He could definitely fall back into the seat now. Everett hated how relieved he was to hear those words, it made what Niedermayer said feel more real. 

"Is he gonna be okay though?" He could see the tear marks on the older woman's face, some fresher than others, making what little makeup she had on almost non existent.

"The bullet hit his lung... and he won't be able to move around much for a couple weeks to a month, but the doctor thinks he'll make a full recovery. They say he isn't critical even with a collapsed lung but what do doctors know. They moved him to a room upstairs around four this morning." 

"You mean i've been waiting down here for most of the damn day and you couldn't tell me he was gonna okay? What the hell Louise?" Everett ground his teeth.

"You're lucky I even came down here at all." She clipped back. Everett felt like lashing out at her again but knew it would of been pointless. 

With more time and a change in the nurses Everett found out that Louise was still registered as next of kin and guardian to Valentine in case of emergencies. If he got to far onto her bad side he would never see Valentine at all... or ever again.

"Anyway, they have a tube down his throat till he can breath on his own and they're keeping him under anesthesia for most of the day. As much as I don't want to do this i'm asking you to watch him." Everett didn't want to push his luck. "I have appointments booked all day and I can't... I can't be here."

"So you're leaving?" He wanted to yell at her. Point out where her priorities lie and how selfish she was being. Putting fucking tooth aches in front of her own child? Same old Louise, never being there and doing the right thing as a mother.

"I'll be back tonight. Till then, will you be here Everett?" 

"You sure that's alright... me not being family and-"

"I don't want to get into this with you Everett!" Her yell drew attention to them. "... I've already apologized for what i did. Now tell me that you'll be here or you wont. I will not go back and forth with you."

Backstrom laughed out of despair. He didn't want to feel any hate toward her but in this short amount of time she was now up there with his father. How could she think he would just walk away like she was doing?

"Of course i'll be here." He stated. Louise nodded and handed him a small piece of paper. On it was the doctors name, the nurses that were watching him, and Valentines room. She didn't stick around very long after their conversation ended and Everett was fine with that.

Niedermayer joined him as they headed up to the next floor to Valentines room. There, they were stopped by another nurses desk informing them Valentine wasn't allowed visitors yet. With his blood pressure spiked, Backstrom pushed himself into another chair to wait, again. This time Niedermayer sat on the chair connected to his and joined him in listening to the beeps that could be heard throughout the floor. A floor above the one where peoples lives hung by threads the two men stayed vigil.

Backstrom refused to eat anything the entire time but greatly accepted any form of coffee Niedermayer made appear. The two stayed even as the sun went down. Through the hours Niedermayer made calls to everyone while Everett refused to talk to anyone on the line. Almond agreed to handle things until Backstrom returned and even said he would pray for Valentines speedy recovery. Everett rolled his eyes. Paquet wanted to send flowers and candy but admitted she had a fear of hospitals. She wouldn't go to one but sent her hopes to them all. Gravely volunteered to come sit but when Niedermayer looked to Backstrom, he found dejection and told her they would be fine together for awhile longer. 

Nurses came and went and ten minutes before 9 PM, almost 24 hours since Valentine was shot, their quite vigil came to a screaming halt. Literally. An alarm sounded at the door across from them and the few nurses left at the station filled into the room the men weren't allowed into. Everett could now hear with the wide open door Valentine screaming inside. One nurse called from the door that the patient pulled his breathing tube out and was resisting treatment. 

Backstrom and Niedermayer were on their feet in seconds and Everett forced his way around everyone. One woman was trying to hold onto one of Valentines arms as he was pulling away. Backstrom could see that Valentines once pale face was now beat red with tears streaming down his face.

"Sir please calm down! We're trying to help. Sir!" Valentine was ignoring every word she said and continued to scream at her.  
"No! Get the fuck off me. Let go!" Everett came around another nurse. The woman wasn't prepared for them to barge in as Niedermayer pulled her away from Valentine. The young man lashed out with his free arm. Everett grabbed it and pulled the Valentine against him. 

"Stop!" Backstrom barked out as Valentine continued to struggle. "Calm down, your hurting yourself." 

"No!" Everett could feel how hard Valentine was breathing and feared that his hold on him was doing him more harm than good but he couldn't let Valentine get up. 

Another nurse pulled a needle from a cabinet and plunged it into a port attached to Valentines IV. He wrenched his arm free from the nurse and hit Backstrom in chest, still trying to pull away. Backstrom had a lot more weight to him than a small nurse did and held strong. He could feel Valentine slow his movements.

"Backstrom." Valentine said his name in a strained voice as his arms grabbed Everett's front. It was a vice like grip, the same as the night before. "Backstrom." Valentine realized what was going on as he buried himself into Everetts hold. The nurses came close to him but didn't touch Valentine yet.

Everett felt Valentine slipping unconscious when the hand in his shirt went limp. The nurse with Niedermayer came to Backstroms side and pulled them apart slightly. Everett could now look down to see Valentines eyes closed, his breath still ragged but not to the extreme it was. He was back under anesthesia again. 

"Panic attack?" Niedermayer asked as Backstrom let the nurses take Valentine from him. The one on the other side of his bed began to pull Val's hospital top apart to check for any damage. The two men backed out of the room to stand in the hall as a doctor that the two didn't recognize dashed into Valentines room. With the door still open they could hear all of what was being said inside.

"His dosage wasn't right and he came to. Some of the stitches on his back have popped but it's not to serious. They'll need to be fixed though." 

Backstrom and Niedermayer shared a look and went to the other side of the hall where the chairs stood. Everett could feel adrenaline draining through his veins and wanted to collapse. The look on Valentines face, his cries, it was worse than when he saw him after Trippi. For Valentine it was much worse than Trippi. If Everett guessed, he would say something triggered Valentine into bringing up past memories. Him being in the hospital after he was abducted, how much pain he was in, how alone he was. 

"Sir you should sit down." Niedermayer motioned to a chair. 

"Yeah, I should." Everett moved to sit but his body didn't make it far enough. He could feel himself falling and Niedermayer grabbing him, but after that it was all black.

\-----


	4. Remember when... part2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deb was absolutely wrong. Backstrom didn't love people, at least not anymore... especially someone who was his brother less than a day ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter half is shorter but... why are my chapters so long? I have everything mapped out and here I am still writing what was one chapter by itself. I give up trying to figure out how long this is gonna be. I write when the juices flow...  
> Tonight's episode was AWESOME and decided to post this a bit earlier than I thought I would.  
> Now off to write some more while I wait to get my hands on a copy, cause I wanna watch it again! 
> 
> I'm sorry if there are any errors. Still un Beta and sometimes I write/type so fast I don't notice missing words. Even after a reread it for the fourth time. I'm going to go ahead add some other tags to this that will be in the next chapter. Also I will be doing both POV for Backstrom and Valentine in later chapters. I will point out who's who when needed.

Everett Backstrom was not a morning person. Too often did his phone go off at all hours of the morning. Crime didn't sleep and neither did he. But in those moments where he could stay in his bed till noon, those were the days he looked forward to. Even if his hanging bed wasn't the most comfortable place, it was far better than braving the cold at five in the morning. 

He couldn't tell what time it was but his brain did notice a change in bed. Softer but colder than his own. The sheets were scratching his arms and the blank was thinner than his own shirt. Everett shot up and realized he wasn't in his bed. He wasn't even in his house. He was in a hospital room, by himself, with the sun coming in from the open window. 

The previous day came back in a rush. Him not eating anything and trying to keep up with everything must of been too much for his body.

"Good morning Lieutenant Backstrom." Deb Chaman walked into his room with a plate of hospital food in hand. 

"What are you doing here?" Everett glared. Deb handed over the plate and backed away. 

"I was called last night when you were found on the floor and not responding, me being your primary physician." Everett looked down at the food. The hospital food there wasn't anything to brag about but even at the thought of it being edible made Backstroms stomach growl. Reluctantly he went at it.

"I was told you've been here since Christmas Eve night. Your colleague, Peter Niedermayer, informed me that you haven't eaten or even rested since you arrived. You are aware of how dangerous it is to only consume caffeine for a person with your heart condition?" Backstrom laughed. 

"You think i'm stupid enough to kill myself on something as lame as caffeine? Come on Deb, I thought you knew me better than that."

The other man forced a smile. "Apparently you are "stupid enough" to do that. I'm sure your body was telling you what it needed all day and this-" Deb gestured to Backstrom. "Is what happens."

Everett finished off the plate and tried to stand up. He was fortunate enough no one put him in a gown while he was out but he did have an empty IV attached to his arm. He pulled the needle out and moved to stand. Deb came to stand in front of him.

"You need to stay in bed for a awhile longer. Your body is still recovering from the stress you've been putting it through." Backstrom side stepped the man and looked around for his shoes. 

"I've got places I gotta be Deb." He heard the doctor agree behind.

"Gregory Valentine I assume?" Everett found his shoes under the bed and began putting them on.

"You know about that?" Everett questioned. Deb wasn't Valentines doctor but with a little questioning he could possibly use Deb to his advantage. 

"I found out shortly after I arrived." Backstrom made to stand up again but Deb pushed him back down. "You need to allow your body to rest. You may have been out for over twelve hours but that does not mean you are ready to spend the rest of the day neglecting yourself."

"Twelve hours?" Backstrom forced Deb back and made for the door. The doctor followed close behind. 

"Backstrom! I mean it. You are doing no good to your friend by killing yourself." Everett stopped and looked down the halls. He had no clue where he was. The hall he was in was completely different. Instead of white walls his were half white, half maroon. 

"What the? Wheres the OR recovery place at?" He asked Deb but the Indian man refused to tell. Backstrom snorted and crossed his arms in defiance.

"I mean it." The man still did not answer. "Fine, i'll go ask some one else then." Everett walked down the hall to the nearest nurses station. Luckily it wasn't far. If Deb wasn't going to be helpful he would do everything on his own. It was stupid of him to even think Deb would listen to what he said. Deb had a one track mind. It was his job and it was for Everetts well being, but damned if the man did'n reason with him for once. 

"Excuse me. "Everett leaned on the nurses desk. It was a younger man probably around the same age as Valentine but completely opposite in looks. The young man smiled at him like Backstrom was the highlight of his day. It creeped Everett out.

"Can I help you sir?" The young nurse asked keenly. What kind of coffee did the kid drink, cause Backstrom needed to buy a case of it. 

"Yeah, I'm looking for a room somewhere in this place. 216, Dr. Sam... something, patient is Gregory Valentine." The young man nodded and began typing something in his computer. 

"Do not answer this mans questions." Deb appeared beside him. The nurse paused and looked at the two of them.

"Really? Isn't this some kind of doctor harassment or something?" Everett complained. 

"As your primary physician it is in my right to hold you on grounds of self harm. Even if it may not be what you want."

"But Valentine-"

"Yes, I am aware of Valentines condition. He is in good hands with Dr. Samuel Linch. At this time you must think about yourself. Being a man of presumptuous tendencies I can not stand by knowing how much worse you will allow yourself to become."

Everett rolled his eyes. "I don't give a damn about what you want for me."

"I am aware of this. Without Gregory Valentine to be your constant reminder, I must step up to replace him in this moment." Everett looked over to the nurse who watched the two. The young mans face was a mix between confusion and entertainment. Backstrom threw his arms up and stormed down the hall, in what direction, he wasn't sure yet.

"Good bye Deb." Backstrom was pulled back by his arm. Deb was a much smaller man than he was, but surprisingly strong. Everett pulled at his arm.

"Are you telling me that you would rather risk your health? I told you he will be fine, instead please think about yourself." Everett paused and thought. Seeing Valentine last night spiked something in him. Everett blamed it on residual familiar ties. If he were to give an excuse it was that Louise told him to stay put. Why was Deb making a big deal about it?

"Yes, I want to be there with him... Happy now?" Backstrom was taken aback with himself. With his confession Deb let his arm go. Everett wasn't good at reading people but he could see the emotions running over Debs face. He tried to show nothing on his own but damned if was bad at it.

"You are a surprising man, Everett Backstrom." Debs comment threw him off. 

"...What?" The Indian man smiled. This time genuinely.

"When I first met you, there was no one in this world more important to you than yourself." Everett stood there. That... might of been true. He was greedy , pig headed sometimes, and definitely aware of his own capabilities. Everett was a lone wolf in a tigers den. He had to be sure of himself to be able to make it in his profession. Letting people in was a weakness. He learned that with Louise the first time they met, Amy after their years wasted, and his father since he could remember. So what if he slipped a few times around Valentine.

"So i'm slipping, is that it? Some bullshit about finding oneself or something?" He asked. Deb grabbed his arm again. This time in a comforting manner. Everett wanted to shake it off but didn't. Maybe he really was getting too soft.

"Slipping is not the word I would use. Becoming more human, that would be a more accurate assessment... We cannot live our lives alone for ever Lieutenant Backstrom. The progress you have made with yourself is encouraging... That young man has found a way to break that wall you have built around you. It surprises me how much care you are taking with him. Now if only we could start working on the physical aspects of your life." Deb shook his arm lightly and let go. 

Everett didn't like where the conversation was going, or what conclusions the doctor was making. It was like Everett finally grew his heart back which in his opinion, was false. Like he had someone to really care about instead of paying someone to be there at night. He and Valentine weren't like that. It was only a few days ago he used Valentine as bait, again. Care his ass. Everett felt like he was being pulled into a soap opera. Valentine was his roommate, his family sometimes, and maybe even his only real friend, but not that far. 

"Deb, I don't think we're on the same page here. Valentine, he's..." Everett felt nervous. Which shocked him a bit. Explaining his connections with Val, it wasn't some big secret, but it felt weird to say those things out loud."He's-"

"I know what he is, Backstrom." Deb stopped him. "When the time comes where you can properly express what he is aloud, is when you will finally understand what he is, in here." Deb pointed to Everetts chest.  
Backstrom had to take a moment to try to figure out what that even meant. Was it suppose to be some Hindu words of knowledge thing? Wait, was Deb trying to say that Backstrom loved him?

"Whoa, whoa. Am I suppose to understand that? Deb it's not like..." Backstrom tried to sound convincing but his and the doctor smiled again. Was everyone on some kind of crazy pill in that hospital?

"Valentine's room is two floors down. There is an elevator down this hall and to your left. "

Everett was stumped. He didn't understand what it was all about but whatever transpired between the two, got him what he needed, and a confused brain. He could of said thank you but opted not to. Deb was absolutely wrong. Backstrom didn't love people, at least not anymore, especially someone who was his brother less a day ago. 

"Or a guy." Gasped under his breath and shaking those images from his head. Backstrom tried to stay focused on why he was still there. Valentine was stuck to bed, although not half dead anymore, he did not want certain memories to flood his brain. He could feel his face heart up as a mostly naked Valentine sporting his towel flashed behind his eyes. Everett turned around quickly to walk away. 

"And Backstrom." Deb started. "I will be contacting the nurses on that floor to make sure you aren't forcing yourself. You will be eating and not staying in this hospital past visitor hours. If I have to, I will have your visiting rights removed, am I understood?" Deb was serious in his threat.

"Yeah, whatever." Backstrom agreed but wasn't sure if he would stick to it. 

With that being said he started off down the hall to find Valentines room. Everett could see Valentines face from the previous night. He was grabbing out for someone when he was trying to pull away, how could Everett of missed that the first time? He remembered how Valentine latched onto him when he realized who Backstrom was. Backstrom was still Valentines brother in the younger mans head. Of course he would want him to be there. Deb was the one making him question if that were true or not. He wasn't in love with Valentine and like hell the thief was in love with him. 

Backstrom shook himself again while he waited for the elevator that lead down.

"Dammit Deb."

\-----


	5. In the moment...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The two smiled at each other. This, Everett could do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay Valentine! Yay Backstrom! Yay plot development.  
> This chapter is kind of a lead into Valentine back story. So there are mentions of Valentine being held captive/hurt. Next chapter will have more graphic mentions of his past as well as the first shift into Valentine POV.  
> Hope everyone enjoys!

Surprisingly Everett found his way back to Valentines room with ease. The door in front of him seemed to be an issue. The nurses informed him that Gregory Valentine was allowed visitors now, as long as they don't keep him awake too much. Backstrom couldn't hear anything inside as he strained his hearing against the door. He wasn't going to disturb him if Louise was inside. He couldn't deal with her after what she told him the day before. Everett also didn't want to upset Val in case he hadn't heard about it yet.

"Lieutenant?" Backstrom jumped away from the door. Gravely stood beside him with a look of concern. "Are you okay?" 

Everett grabbed his chest trying to will his heart rate to go down. "Are you trying to kill me?" 

Gravely took a sip from the cup in her hand. "Lucky for you, if I was, were in a hospital."

The small woman moved to the other side of the hall away from Valentines room. Backstrom looked to the door then followed her. "He okay in there?"

"Yeah." Gravely nodded. "He was awake way earlier. His mom came and they opted not to put him on a breathing tube after what happened last night." Backstrom gave her look.

"Niedermayer told me. He stayed till around five when I got here. Valentines mom came in a little after me but couldn't stay long."

Backstrom shook his head. Of course she didn't stay. She never could. "Appointments, right?"

Gravely nodded again. "I've been with him but he got tired maybe 30 minutes ago, so I thought I could step out and move around. He keeps getting tired from the drugs they're giving him. Don't blame him for wanting to sleep through most of this."

Everett looked back at the door. He wouldn't want to be awake for it either. Backstrom healed from his gunshot wound a year ago. Even though it was only a scar, he could still remember the burning pain that would shoot through his arm at random times. More frequently right after.

"Are you okay though, sir?" 

"Yeah." He didn't want to go into more detail than that. If Gravely really wanted to know his condition, she could find Deb and ask. Gravely stayed quite for a few moments. The two weren't big on conversation. At least between them, it was normally all business. Even in those moments where everyone could relax, they never seemed to of gotten used to each other. They respected one another, sometimes, and allowed the other their space, most of the time. 

"If you want, you could go sit with him." Backstrom started to fidget. "Even if he's sleeping still. I think he'd be happy to see you when he wakes up."

Backstrom wanted to ask if anyone told Valentine about what happened the night before. Now he was gonna look bad. Passing out and stealing all the attention? That's something Val would say, Everett thought, rolling his eyes.

"Sir?" Gravely chimed in. "Ms. Finster said she was going to be back around noon. So, you don't have a lot of time alone with him." Backstrom tried not to feel scandalized but what Gravely said. The woman was pointing out Backstroms best shot to see Valentine without his suddenly overprotective mother. It wasn't her fault what she said now took on a different meaning in Backstroms head. He didn't want to be that kind of alone with Valentine... Now Everett questioned if it was even worth seeing him at all. 

Gravely gave him a questioning look. He was already there. He'd spent two days in the hospital already, so he might as well see Val before he left. That was a good reason, one that made since. If someone asked him, that's what he'd say. Not because his brain and, the organ that should not be named, was telling him that he had to see Valentine. That man really was going to end up killing him. As Everett walked back to the door, he promised himself when he was back outside, he would call up every hooker he could remember the names of and forget about Gregory Valentine. 

The door didn't have a handle, so all Everett had to do was push. Inside the room it looked the same as he remember from the night before. Plain, with very little of anything, a large window taking up most of the side wall, a television, and a painting of a flower and vase. Very creative of the decorators. There wasn't any beeping, or any sounds coming from the room, other than the light snoring from the bed. 

Everett paused at the bedside and looked down. He didn't know what he expected after what happened before. To him Valentine looked fairly normal. The young man was laying on his right towards Backstrom, most likely trying to relieve any pressure to his left side. He wasn't sickeningly pale or bright red. He didn't have any eye makeup on or hair product in but he was still the same Valentine.

Backstrom sat in the chair closest to the bed. Now with the two eye level, he began his silent assessment. After all of what Deb and Niedermayer told him, Everett needed to come to some conclusions on his own. This man wasn't his family, he already knew and came to terms with that. Valentine was still his roommate. After everything that happened he was still okay with them living together. He would definitely be asking for the normal half of the rent again. Like hell he was gonna go soft on that one.

Valentine needed boundaries. Everett wasn't sure what, but he felt like the two of them needed to not cross certain lines anymore. No more Valentine stealing his sleep pants or all the towels. No more Valentine pouting his way into getting the last beer. No more Valentine parading around with his most recent consort... unless Everett didn't have one of his own. 

He had to stop himself there. Valentine's sex life wasn't his business. It never was before, so he had to scratch that one off. He didn't wan't the younger man to get the impression Everett was jealous. Of course on a side note, Valentine hadn't brought anyone back to the boat in almost two months. Yeah, he admitted to getting a blowjob in the school bathrooms but nothing that Everett would consider worth boasting about. 

Everett looked at Valentines face. Nothing had changed with his style or his clothes, so he knew that wasn't the reason Valentine wasn't bring his dates back. Backstrom wasn't big on the do's and don'ts of gay dating, but maybe if you change your shade of eyeliner, that gives guys the queue that you aren't interested. Or maybe the eye brows. Valentine did mention he needed to do something about them a few weeks ago. Everett thought that it meant the man was just being lazy and they were starting to look normal again. To Valentine, changing your eyebrows could mean changing your dating pattern.  
He looked above Val's face to the mans hair. The shaved sides were grown out a bit more than usual, but Everett thought it could just be a late salon month. Maybe it was the stuff he put into his hair? Without realizing it he raised his hand up to Valentines head. His hands only an inch from the young mans hair. 

"You keep that up, you'll loose fingers." Valentine mumbled. Backstrom shot back in the chair. He was too caught up in his own mind to realize Valentine was awake. His eyes were half open and he could see him. Heat rose into Backstrom's face as he tried to figure out how much of his staring Valentine saw.

"I look that bad, huh?" Valentine's eyes were baring into him. The young mans face was calm and Everett guessed, was till on the brink of sleep. They stared at each other for what felt like too long to not be awkward. 

"You'd be surprised." Was all Backstrom could come up with. He cursed himself for not making a joke out of Val's question. That was a normal thing for them to do with each other. A small smile spread across Valentines face.

"Surprised bad, or surprised good?" Val questioned enticingly. Even with an awkward start Everett could feel the mood shifting. This man laying in front of him wasn't different at all. He was the same Valentine Backstroms known for years. Everett was making a bigger deal about what was going on than necessary. Here was Valentine, waking up like sleeping beauty, ready to start the day one flirtatious comment after the other. He could do this. 

"You look like shit..." Everett cooed back. Valentine rolled his eyes. "How ya feeling?"

Valentine made the motion to shrug but stopped. A pained look took over his face. Everett wanted to grab him but knew that, even if he were capable of being a comfort, he couldn't really help with the pain. 

"See that button thing hanging there?" Val nodded his head to the IV beside Everett's chair. "Push the button for me."  
Backstrom grabbed what Valentine wanted and pressed it. The medicines effects weren't immediate but the two stayed quite till Val's body went calm again. 

"We really need to steal some of this shit. Screw finding buyers, were hoarding it for ourselves." The same smile came back. Everett was no virgin to morphine and did love the effect, but he knew why that idea was bad on every single level.

"You get your ass kicked outta here, i'm not carrying you back to the barge." Valentine pouted.

"You'd leave me shot and bleeding on the pier? Not very brotherly of you Backstrom." If things had been different Backstrom would of laughed. Backstrom frowned. Louise didn't tell Valentine yet. 

"Hey..." Valentine looked concerned, his eyes fixed on Backstrom's. " I was only teasing. I know you wouldn't do that."

Backstrom shook his head. "Shouldn't you be on some talking restriction, or something?" He tried to change the subject. Luckily Valentine didn't notice.

"Shouldn't you be working." The young man glared at him. Good, as long as he wasn't staring at Backstrom with those sad eyes.

"Time off. I've suffered a traumatic experience and I can't work like that." Everett made it sound like he was poking fun but in reality, seeing Valentine get shot and him dieing, was traumatic.

"Poor you." Valentine closed his eyes and adjusted on the bed. With Valentine like that Backstrom stayed quite. Gravely did mention that he should be in and out of sleep. He got to see his roommate. He didn't have to stay much longer judging by the time on the wall. He could excuse himself now and deal with his troubles later. 

Backstrom moved to stand up but stopped when Valentine opened his eyes again. Val gazed into Everett's eyes. He felt nervous. Valentine wasn't a man that looked people in the eye unless he wanted something. Liers and thieves learned not to look at peoples eyes fairly early. What was that saying? The eyes are the windows to the soul? You can tell if a person is up to something just by looking at them. Everett's eyes would probably reflect only beer, lies, and darkness. Valentines? They were lighter, given his past, and able to get anyone to fold under them. The younger man could make Backstrom cave, not to long after they started living together. It annoyed Backstrom to no end but he never made to correct it. As time went on, Everett knew not to look into Valentine's eyes. Not unless you wanted the smaller man to walk all over you. 

"I'm sorry," Val started. "For freaking out last night." Valentine looked away. Backstrom thought he saw shame on the mans face.

"What are you being sorry for? Yeah, you freaked out but... I get it." Val looked back again.

"You do?" Everett breathed. Valentines past was thin ice. Even years after, any mention of it got the the man either heated or dejected. The last time it was brought up Valentine couldn't be left alone. It was an important case and Val's information led to Everett figuring it out but... Valentine couldn't stay by himself. Luckily Paquet agreed to be with him instead of at the station working. 

"Waking up here... brought back memories. I get that. You're okay now and you didn't hurt anyone." Everett remembered Valentine reaching out while pulling away from the nurses. Now wasn't the time to ask about that.

Valentine sighed and turned onto his back. Backstrom waited for the complaints about pain but Valentine seemed to be more in his head than in the rest of his body.

"When I woke up in the hospital, I thought I was just waking up in his bed again." Everett didn't want to hear this.

"Val-"

"It's okay... I want you to know." Valentine turned his face to Everett. He could see the mans eyes watering but not enough to shed tears. Backstrom hated it. He's always wanted to know about what hurt the only person in Everett's life who seemed to be invincible. Valentine was the strongest person he knew. Always bouncing back even from the brink of death. Valentine was opening up and being honest with him only to have what? His mother come in and see him upset and push Backstrom farther away? 

"Valentine you don't have to push yourself with this. I told you i get it. You don't have to explain yourself." Val kept staring.  
"You mean you never wanted to know?"

 

"Of course I do. Don't! Of course I don't" Backstrom cursed his slip. 

"Which is it?" Valentine moved back onto his side. Everett now noticed how close the two really were. If he were to reach out his arm, it would pass over Valentine's head. This wasn't something that they did. Invade each others bubbles.

"Valentine..." Everett looked at him. Trying to convey as much as he could without shutting the young man out completely.

"We're family right?" Everett should of corrected him. "You're gonna find out about it some day, even though you said you wouldn't meddle, and I think after recent events I should just tell you."

There was no convincing Gregory Valentine otherwise once he made up his mind. "I don't wanna see you upset." Backstrom admitted.

Valentine gave him that sad smile again. "Someones gotta know how to help me if this ever happens again."

"It's not gonna happen again!"

"You don't know that." Valentine was right. He would have to stay in the hospital for a week at least. There was no telling who would be there when he woke up or if he would even wake up screaming again, but Everett understood. He nodded for Valentine to go on.

"He... kept me in a room. A room that was all white." Everett pictured Valentine alone in a room very similar to this one. "The last day I was there, he kept my arm tied to the bed. Learned the hard way when I hit him in the face after he burned me the first time."

Valentine kept his face trained on Everett's. "I had a dream, he was there, and I woke up here. The first thing the nurse did was grab my arm and I thought... this is it." Backstrom could see Val's eyes watering again. "I'm still there, tied to that bed, waiting for him to- to come back again." A tear slide out of the corner of his eye. Backstrom resisted the urge to touch him. He didn't have those kind if urges.

"I should of noticed but I guess, i didn't?... He would always wear the same thing when I saw him. All navy blue, top and bottom... the nurse that came in was wearing that." Everett thought back to what he saw. The nurse that ran into the room after the scream, her scrubs were all navy blue. 

"I thought it was him... and then I saw you." More tears were flowing now. "I couldn't- you couldn't be there, you couldn't let him...." Backstrom instincts moved him. His hand came up to cradle the side of Valentines face as he leaned forward. He tried to allow his body to take up all of Valentines vision, keeping him in the present, even with the memories behind his eyes. 

"I'd kill him before he could touch you." Backstrom assured him. "He isn't going to touch you ever again Val-"

"I know." Valentine smiled with tears staining his face. "You would save me, that's what you do, and you did." He nodded. "You were there and you made it all go away."

Everett moved out of the chair and onto the bed. Valentine came up to grab him and he didn't resist. The two didn't hug and console each other. When Backstrom was sad he shut everyone away and cried himself into the closest alcohol bottle. After years of living together, he noticed Valentine did the exact same thing. Backstrom couldn't hand a bottle to Val, so he would just have to suck it up and live in the moment. 

Valentine cried silently in his arms. The only thing letting Backstrom know that was the shaking. Valentine wasn't some skinny, boney guy. He was small and soft and Everett hated himself for liking that they fit so well against each other, even in such an awkward angle. 

"It's okay." His hand came up to hold the back of Val's head. "You're okay." Everett felt a laugh against his chest. Valentine pulled back.

"Now I really do look like shit." Valentine wiped at his red face as a smile crept to his lips. Everett smiled too. As long as Valentine wasn't sad anymore Everett could smile with him.

"You're suppose to tell me I look beautiful." Valentine said. Everett snorted.

"You wish." Valentine slapped him playfully on the arm.

"I'm wounded and upset, you can't even compliment me?" Backstrom looked at the small space between them on the bed. It should of been awkward but he didn't feel it.

"Absolutely not." The two smiled at each other. This, Everett could do.

"Everett?" The two looked to the door. Louise stood there with bag in hand. "What are you doing?" Everett pulled himself off the bed and stumbled away. There went the moment.

\-----


	6. The truth...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Where were you? You were such a spectacular mother i'm sure you were doing something motherly, right?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. I had a problem with pacing and then I forgot a part so had to write that too. So now I have 2 other chapters done since I had to cut it differently. That means early releases for the next 2 after this. Long chapter is long.
> 
> This is the first chapter in Valentine POV. Some things said can be triggering. Nothing overly graphic. Valentine talks about his past with his mother so there will be mentions of drugs, prostitution, rape, torture, and underage.
> 
> Time frame I think needs to me mentioned here in case I don't cover it in the story. Val got taken at 16, spent a year with Louise and moved with Backstrom at 17. It's now been a total of 8 years since that point making Val 25. In my head Backstrom was with Louise 2 years after Valentine was born. Backstrom was 18 and Louise was 19-21 so that makes Backstrom 43 and Louise 44-46. I would really like to know their ages in the show though.
> 
> Also... no matter what happens with the show i'm finishing this.

Gregory Valentine wasn't new to the whole guns, shootings, kidnappings, or crazy people that try to kidnap you and then try to kill you. His life was a continues roller coaster of drama. It was mostly his own doing, after all, he had to keep himself on the edge. He knew what being too relaxed or trustful could end up being, and he wasn't for reliving past nightmares. He didn't let people get close to him and if he did let them in, it was with a facade not even his closest friends could keep up with. He was used to being a fake. Fake smile, fake words, fake life, that was his life. He grew up on the streets of Portland. No mother in site and no father to speak of made believe he was grown.. but being young made him stupid and a kind smile and pretty words worked themselves on him. Waking up in a strangers house, tied down, covered in bruises, that's what happened to him. It wasn't going to happen again. He grew up and fast.

When he was old enough to know better he accepted that what his life became was as good as he was going to get. A guy who was a douche over half of the time was his roommate. They kept to themselves and he tried to believe his mothers words.  
"He's a good man, Val." She said. She also said that about half the guys he brought back to their apartment while he grew up. This guy was different though. He was a cop, or a detective, or something. The guy could drink him under a table and smoked the worst smelling cigars, but he was okay. 

Everett Backstrom was the guy Gregory Valentine agreed to live with. Years went by and the two collaborated well enough. Valentine was a thief, Backstrom knew that. For a man of the law, it surprised Valentine on how well he accepted that. It helped that he brought things back that caught Backstrom's eye. A painting by some dude that died a hundred years ago, a chair that looked like it seen better days, and a mirror to big to hang in the barge. Did he mention they lived on a boat? It helped make him sound alluring to the guys he picked up. With his dark hair, coal rimmed eyes, and strange abode made him pretty popular. He didn't have complaints.

The day he found out Everett Backstrom was his brother was one of the worst and best days of his life. He never had anyone he really called family. Not even the woman that had his mothers face but pretending like the last 30 years of her life didn't happen. Backstrom and he were close but with the title he reveled in having someone as close as a brother. He confided in the man and little by little he could see the aloof personality crumble. Valentine was good at that, but unlike the reasons before, he really wanted to have a genuine connection with someone. He wanted to be able to let go and be as dorky and lively as he wanted. He didn't have to be this mysterious and secluded man. He could come home to someone and nag them about drinking all of his beer.

That was before Backstrom became an even bigger part of his life. They both fell into a routine once Backstrom made strides to fix his life. He needed that guidance, even though Valentine wasn't an expert, he was whiling to be there. They were there for each other. When the other needed help or if Backstrom left him to go on his own, Valentine was there. Sure the older man gripped about it but Valentine wasn't about to get left behind or let the only person left in his life disappear on him. It was selfish... but he didn't care.

When Backstrom asked him to go undercover he was elated. He wasn't a cop and had no interests in ever being one, but he enjoyed feeling like he was helping. Anything to get praise from Backstrom made his day. Undercover at a prep school full of underage pupils was also going to be a highlight of Valentines week, or month, he didn't care how long it took. The school definitely didn't disappoint. Not until the teacher he was scoping out tackled him on the schools roof. That was a bad experience. Getting shot for the fist time was a memory burned into his brain. It wasn't hot or dramatic like the movies mad it out to be. There was nothing cool about being shot or dying. 

He didn't remember all of it though. The pain, Backstrom, him saying something and then lights out. Not till he saw it again. The man of his nightmares, him being in the room and tied down. He was in hell. He didn't live like a saint and with the sins he collected over the years, he hoped that there was no heaven or hell waiting for him. In that moment he felt so very wrong. Until he saw Backstrom there. If there was a hell Backstrom would probably be there too, this hell he could manage... as long as his brother was there.

He found out it was a dream. Well most of it. His mother and Gravely was there when he woke up. He was half out of it when his mother left. She said something about clothes and being by later but he didn't care. When he got more lucid he asked about Backstrom but Gravely refused to answer his questions. Everett Backstrom was a busy man and had to do his lawful duties. If he cared enough he would be there.

When Valentine woke up hours later to a hand near his face, one that he surprising knew in detail, he felt relieved. Backstrom was there and he would be okay. Even though the man was acting strange, Valentine went with it. When their conversation turned emotional and Backstrom out of character, he felt better. He didn't know what got into the older man but he still felt safe around him. It scared Valentine that he was in that deep but this was his brother... he was allowed.

"Everett." Valentine was gauging Everett's mood when they heard a voice at the door. Louise was standing there with some kind of Christmas bag in her hand. She wasn't one to give him present on the holidays, not even when he was younger and all he wanted was for her to spend the day with him. 

Backstrom shot away from him a bit more quickly than was necessary. Valentine glared at his mother. What did she do now?

"What are you doing?" She asked the older man. She didn't even look at Val yet and he didn't like it. His mother meant well most of the time but if she was trying to send Backstrom away he was going to leave with him.

"Just checking on him." Backstrom glanced back at him but looked away quickly. Valentine really didn't like this.

"I'm here now, so you can go." What?

"No, he just got here. He can stay." Valentine pulled the blanket away and made to stand before pain spread through his back. He must of showed it because Backstrom was back at his side in a flash. The arms around him only a few minutes ago held him still. Val looked up at him and he saw his pained reflected back. He didn't want Backstrom to hurt too and smiled at him.

"I'm okay, just moved to fast." Backstrom pulled away. Valentine missed the warmth that spread over his arms where the man held on. "You should stay. I mean, about tonight..." He informed Backstrom.

The man smiled weakly and shook his head. "Your moms here. I have to get back to work and stuff." Valentine frowned. Of course he had work. Not like their previous discussion held anything to it. They just cought a killer, or... let one commit suicide. That was supposed to be more important. Valentine wanted to feel sorry for the guy but in a way he felt like the mad deserved worse. 

Louise looked at Backstrom and Valentine wanted to comment but stayed quite. Getting everyone into an argument wasn't going to help anything. Gravely also mentioned that his mother kept his condition from everyone earlier. It was something he was gonna have to discuss with her. 

Backstrom turned to him before he left the room, a sad smile on his face. Val smiled back and then he was gone. He was now left with his mother. She wasn't as bad as she used to be but with him in his condition he wasn't about to let her act like the mother she should of been. He glared at her while she dug through the bag, now sitting on a table against the wall. She pulled out a pair of, what looked like pajamas, and handed them over to him.

"You missed Christmas and I thought you might need these while you're here." Valentine grabbed them. They weren't anything he was used to. He liked the stuff Backstrom had and this felt scratchy and not worn in. Not to mention they were a size to small. Of course she didn't get to know him well enough to find out his dress size. He liked his clothes tight sometimes but not his sleep clothes. He had a lot of moving around to do in his bed.

"Thanks." He stood up slowly. It was the first time since he was out. He complained excessively to the nurses earlier to take the damn catheter off him. He never remembered having one before and he was so glad he didn't have to have one in now. He wasn't crippled and he was going to move around weather they liked it or not. They threatened him with restraints but Gravely assured them he wouldn't move more than a few feet at a time and with supervision only. What didn't know wouldn't kill them. 

"I'll put these on."

He went into the small bathroom and shut himself in. Changing out of a hospital gown into a top and pants wasn't easy. His back was killing him. Luckily the IV wasn't still in. Once it ran out, the nurses told him they would attach a new one when his mother came back. She was late by an hour according to his internal clock. He didn't want her there the whole day. He'd rather have someone else. Backstrom or one of the others. Maybe even Niedermayer, if he could get the man in the room long enough. Valentine still thought the man was hot. He had to blind not to see that. He had a long talk with Nadia and agreed to stop making passes. It help his little crush subside but he was still gonna flirt. He loved flirting and getting straight guys flustered. 

Valentine looked himself in the mirror once he was done. He'd broken into a sweat just from moving around and his hair was a total mess but he still looked like him. Getting shot didn't change anything after all. Just his pain threshold, which was coming to its limit. 

After he took a few more minutes to freshen up he came out of the bathroom to see his mother opening the blinds to the large window on the wall. He could see Portland's skyline a little and wondered what it would be like to find some sugar daddy with a penthouse. He could live the high life then, literally.

"They're kinda short." He informed Louise as he sat back down on the bed. One of the nurses came into the room and attached him back to the metal stand with wheels. He didn't like the thing but understood it's function. You get better when you're hooked up to it. The sooner he was better, the sooner he could leave.

"What did you and Everett talk about while he was here?" Louise sat herself in a chair against the wall with the window. She neglected to sit as close as Backstrom. 

"Why, jealous that big bro gets to talk to me and you don't? Last I heard you tried to get him kicked out." He saw her relax in the chair and frowned.

"I wasn't going to get him kicked out Val."

"Gregory." He corrected her. He always had to correct her. He hated his given name. Val Finster was not a hot name. Gregory Valentine was sexy. Val was the skinny kid who's mother abandoned him every night for her next fix. Val was the teenager who was beaten and raped when he ran away from home. Gregory Valentine was the man who survived that. 

"We had an argument, Gregory, and it's alright now, so I wouldn't worry about it." Valentine sneered and plopped himself back onto the bed. A bad idea once the pain came shooting back.

"You shouldn't of told him to leave." Valentine said staring at the ceiling.

"He has other things he has to do sweetie." Valentine rolled his eyes and sat up on his elbows.

"Don't call me sweetie, Louise."

"I'm your mother, Val." He sat up all the way. The woman was pissing him off. He allowed her back into his life but he drew lines. She gave birth to him but he made it clear she wasn't a real mother. It normally ended with her not talking to him for a few weeks, but in the end she always came back. Valentine didn't want her to, but a part of him couldn't let go.

"I really don't wanna have to explain that this to you again." Valentine said as Louise adjusted herself in the seat. He prepared himself for her retort.

"You were shot, Gregory, and i'm still your mother. I worry about you and I only want whats best for you. If that means sending Everett out for awhile then that's what has to be done."

"Since when do you know what's best for me?" Valentine wanted to laugh. This was coming from the woman that chose drugs over food for her son. Was she serious?

"You don't need Everett. He'll just-"

"Oh, but I need you?" Val stopped her. "You're the one who left me at a neighbors house cause you thought you'd be too loud with your man for me to sleep at night, you were tired of hearing me cry about it."

"That's enough! I don't want to fight with you."

"You want me to just lay here and play sick son who needs his mommy? Fuck that."

"Language." Louise come out of her chair and towards the bed.

"Great parenting... mom." Valentine scoot so his back was against the head of the bed and wall. 

"I told you i'm trying to make amends with you over and over. We were doing so well and now you just want to throw your fits. I'm still your mother whether you like it or not and i'm still here whether you like it or not. Everett is not here!" Valentine put her words together quickly. She was trying to tell him that she cared more about him the Backstrom. She wanted to dish low blows... he could do better than that.

"Yeah, mom... who always looks out for her son. Like that time I had to watch you suck off some dealer in a stair case so you had money to buy more drugs. Good one mom, taught me all the tricks, huh? Go ahead and compare yourself to someone who isn't even comparable to you." He could see her face turning red. If he wasn't hurt she would of slapped him for that.

"I did what I had to do to put food on the table." Her voice was raising, but not loud enough for the nurses to get concerned. Valentine laughed.

"You put food on the table? So when I got picked up by the cops when I was 13, it wasn't cause I was so hungry I had to steal my own food. Huh, mom?"

Louise marched across the room and closed the door.

"I did the best I could with what I had. You say that I was never there, when I was there when ever I could be! I had to make a living some how Val and it was shitty but it still kept a roof over your head." Valentine could feel himself shaking. She wasn't the only on getting angry.

"You were there?"

"Yes! When I could be and you know that. I told you I would be back and I always came back. Do not use that against me."Louise pointed her finger at Valentine. He could see her eyes watering and felt his doing the same. Today was just one of those days, wasn't it.

"If you were there, then where were you when he took me off the streets, huh?" He didn't want to bring it up, that day was something they didn't talk about. Now was a good a time if any. Louise was right, he could of died. Might as well make sure his mother knows just how much she hurt him before he kicks it. "Where were you when I was crying out to you? Wondering why you weren't there to take me away from him."

Louise took a step back in shock. 

"When he was holding me down and fucking into me, saying all those pretty words that I heard guys tell you all the time. 'Just like that beautiful.' They'd say to you. Well, mom, where were you to tell me those weren't nice words. That he wasn't in love with me, or that i deserved what was happening when he tried branding me over and again. He was hurting me and you were no where in sight. I was 16, mom!" Louise put a hand to her mouth and tears fell from her eyes. Valentine shed tears in their wake. He wasn't sad, or scared, he was angry. He was furious. All the pain he had to endure and where was she?

"Where were you? You were such a spectacular mother i'm sure you were doing something motherly, right? How bout your pastor? You two got pretty close once they found me. Were you on your knees, praying for me, or just on your knees?" He spit out. 

"Where were you when the cops found me bleeding and burned half way down the street when I got away... by myself!" 

"Val-"

"Don't!... call me that. Val died that day and you weren't even at the hospital when they brought me in." Valentine let the tears flow. "You are not my mother, you are not my family, Backstrom is-"

"Not your brother!" Val stopped. She didn't have to slap him, those words did the job.

"Good one." He laughed bitterly.

"I mean it. Blue is not your father and Everett is not your brother. He was going to throw you out and I had to do something." She cried. He small body shook and Valentine couldn't move.

"You're lying. He- he's family." Louise shook her head.

"I lied but not now, I lied to keep you safe Val. Everett, I told him the other day when I thought we were going to lose you. I can't loose you!"

"Get out." Valentine growled at her. She dared to pull that shit on him, now? She spun lie after lie and now Backstrom wasn't his family. Valentine didn't have family.

Louise tried to get close to him but he pulled himself into a ball. She didn't get to console him. She tried that day too but all he felt was pain every time someone touched him. He couldn't stand people touching him. 

"Get out." He said again. Louise tried to touch him but he wasn't having it. "Get out!" He screamed at her. He made sure he was loud enough for the nurses to come in. When they entered the room they gasped at the sight. Both Valentine and Louise in tears with Valentine pulling away from her. The nurses tried to calm Louise down and removed her from the room. 

"I don't want to see her." He told one of the other nurses. She made sure he didn't pull any stitching, and asked him if he was okay before excusing herself. Valentine nodded and lied back on the bed. He whiled himself to be calm. 

Louise tried, she always tried, but Valentine couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't look that woman in the face and keep smiling without her knowing. If they were to ever really move on, he had to be open with her.

His mind went back to Backstrom, Back to the time Trippi beat him and Backstrom wanted him gone. His eyes started to water again. What was his life so shitty?

The truth hurt, it hurt a lot.

\-----


	7. Anchors...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amy was as good at analyzing people as he was. After all, his technique was mostly her idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Backstrom POV
> 
> A wild Amy Gazanian appears! I love her character and I think, even in the show, she can really help Backstrom out. This is not the only time she's gonna appear. This chapter is a bit shorter than the rest but I felt like Backstrom needed to sort some more stuff out before he and Valentine spoke again. This chapter could of been a part of the next... or even longer by itself... so I don't know how I feel about this chapter as a whole.
> 
> I could probably write multiple chapters on Val and Backstrom from season1 end to now, but I don't want to overly bog down the pace. I only touched on how Backstrom has been handling himself with alcohol and will touch on it again later. I don't want it to play a big part of the story but I still want to address it and use Backstrom's progress.
> 
> Hope this chapter is still okay and every enjoys it.

Everett found himself back at the barge once he left the hospital. He took a taxi and probably over tipped the man, but he had to get away. On the drive over he left a very complicated voice mail to Amy. One that would probably get him an earful later. He didn't even know why he'd called her. Gravely texted him that she updated the woman on what was going on with Valentine, say Amy called the office once the story hit the news. Everett got too close to the younger man, he knew that. He was still stressed and all the talks he was getting was going to his head.   
Amy made it pretty clear months ago she didn't want him around after what happened with Rocha, but she still reached out to him. They'd made steps in the right direction he thought. Ever since Everett found himself two weeks into his A.A. he sent her a text saying he made it two weeks sober. She thought it was a joke. Another two weeks later, he sent her a picture of his 1 month chip. She congratulated him, but confessed she didn't want to see him yet. It was something and it made him happy.

He also made the driver stop by a local specialty market and picked a six pack of whatever he could get his hands on. It didn't matter, beer was beer to him and to achieve what he wanted, wouldn't require much. 

Once he got inside he shoved all of the bottles except one into the fridge. He put the luck warm bottle on the table and paced. Alcohol had always been his vise. He didn't have to question his relationship with it, the two just were. He could drink just one and mellow out, or he could wait and drink 3 to get himself buzzed. The whole case, and his lack of utilization would probably put him out. Then he wouldn't have to think about anything anymore. No hospitals, deranged teachers, or even those eyes that bore into him like they knew the universe. God he was stupid. He was going to fall back into drinking, and for what? 

Valentine was the reason for this. He admitted to himself on the ride home, if it weren't for what was going on with his roommate, this predicament wouldn't be happening. He was sober and he was doing fine. Niedermayer just had to put that, "you still need him crap", into his head... and Deb? Deb could just go to whatever version of hell Hindu's went to.  
Everett almost jumped out of his skin when he heard a knock on the door above him.

"It's open!" He yelled out. He was half expecting it to be one of his team members. Maybe Almond finally got away from Chief Cervantes. He was surprised to find Amy gliding down the stairs. Her hair in disarray and her face slightly red. Everett didn't doubt she was mad and now she found him in his boat with a beer bottle sitting only five feet away from him.

"Everett." She paused at the other side of the table and glanced down. The look of displeasure written on her face. "Please tell me you didn't."

Backstrom took a moment to process the woman in front of him. Amy Gazanian would always be the most beautiful woman in the world. Even with her hair a mess and her makeup almost gone from a days work, he loved this woman, he was still in love with woman? All this time away from her, moving on as she requested, and he still felt something. Of course he'd been lusting after her since the day she came back into his life... it was lust even now, he really missed her.

"I love you." He said aloud. Saying it in his head felt pretty good but out loud... it wasn't acceptable anymore. He was screwed. Not even the perfect woman for him could save him now. He sighed and fell into a chair.

Amy looked at him and took a seat. She stayed calm and it set Everett on edge a little. Amy was as good at analyzing people as he was. After all, his technique was mostly her idea.

"I'm guessing your voice mail wasn't a lie then. I'd figure you were past this." She motioned to the bottle between them. The voice mail he'd left was full of bad mouthing the people in the hospital, Niedermayer, Deb, Louise, but not Valentine. He didn't mention Valentine at all. He said he needed a drink to take his mind off things. Like old times, he'd mentioned. He remembered asking Amy to join him for drinks. Make sure he didn't do anything stupid, cause boy was he gonna get wasted. He felt childish but at least he was being honest with her. Amy didn't deserve to be lied to. Not like himself, who seemed to be a target for dishonesty lately.

"Thought maybe you could talk me out of it." He looked at the bottle. He wanted it, badly. His A.A. groups talked about relapse all the time. Everett ignored them on those days. He felt like he could control himself around alcohol. He'd been around it his whole life. Even though he did slip in the past, he moved on. Now he felt like hit a wall.

"Why do I need to talk you out of this Everett?" They locked eyes. Backstrom took in the details. Her eyes were something he could never forget and every woman after her was always compared to. Her eyes were blue, like the reflection in a pond, and changed to a darker shade when she got made. Everett remembered how he loved getting her worked up and sinking into those eyes. Her eyes and Valentine's were almost the same except... not. Valentines drew you in, you would assume his were blue or green, or hazel, but you end up not caring because in the end they were just... beautiful. Everett shook himself out of those thoughts. He was not comparing the love of his life to a guy.

"Maybe I need someone to... I don't know." She was still looking at him, waiting for more of an explanation. At one point Everett could tell her everything. He was an open book and she didn't even have to pick through his pages, he would just tell her his story himself. He picked at the choices of men in her life, Rocha being his biggest target. It seemed like the thing to do, even to the men that were her co-workers. He had no right, but deep down in a more primal part of his brain, he felt like he still should be apart of what was good for her. Now that the roles could end up being reversed? His pride wouldn't allow that. No one made decisions for him, but advice... advice he could do. He just had to figure out how to explain it without making it sound weird.

"Sometimes it gets hard." He admitted. "Sometimes I have to have someone pull me back and it's normally..." It was Valentine that normally knocked since into him but he didn't want to say that. 

"We're alone, you can tell me anything Everett." Amy said. He wanted to confide in her again. Even if it wasn't the same as when they were together.

"Is it about what happened with Valentine?" He wanted to say yes but just nodded instead. "So you were worried and now you feel like drinking is the way to cope?"

"No," He didn't know how to explain what was really wrong. How do you tell the woman you've loved for years that you might, but probably aren't, having complicated feelings about his ex-brother. Everett paused. Amy didn't even know about the brothers thing yet. Should he even bring that up? Maybe use that as his reasoning without spilling everything.

"Louise," He started. "Told me, well everyone, that Valentine isn't... my brother." He looked away and tried to school his face. Amy stayed quite. Everett would have to give her more than that.

"She lied to keep Valentine with me, instead of me kicking him out, or... her taking him and probably loosing him." He glanced over and she was nodding her head in thought.

"So you were upset that you aren't related?" 

Everett sighed. "Maybe." That was a lie mostly. He was shocked once she told him, angry at her of course, but he'd accepted it. He still wasn't sure what to do about it though. He hadn't gotten that far yet. Him and Valentine weren't brothers anymore. They were back to roommates and Everett was back to his memories of what happened with Trippi. Let Valentine get close and then what? Watch him get hurt again or worse. Everett didn't know if he was okay with the younger man still being around him. Not if it meant having to watch him in pain again, he didn't want that. When they were brothers it felt like his duty to be there, make everything better, or make sure everything would be okay, but now? 

"Everett... Are you going to tell me the whole story or am I going to have to watch you sweating in that chair for a few hours. I'm not going to be able to help you till you're honest with me." Of course she would notice.

"Yeah I was upset." He paused.

"...And?"

"Deb... he said... I was a changed man?" He gauged her response. He didn't notice anything with what little he was giving her. "He said he was surprised. He said I finally... found someone more important than myself." Her face shifted but not enough to tell him what she was thinking. "I passed out at the hospital, stress or too much coffee, i just wanted to make sure he was okay. Then I saw him and... i don't know. I just didn't want to leave him." Amy's face softened slightly. Backstrom waited this time for her to speak.

"So he's okay?" 

"Yeah." Everett still waited for some form of advice. Amy had a tendency to be a good ear and advice giver. As long as they weren't yelling at each other, the two of them could solve almost any problem.

"Everett. You're acting like a big baby over this." She laughed. Everett sat back in his chair. That was her advice? He was acting like a child? "Every time you bring up Dr. Chaman it's because he tells you something you don't agree with, and then what happens?" 

Everett had to think. "Nothing?" She smiled. One of her many smiles she gave him when she knew something he didn't, which he hated.

"Not nothing. He's right most of the time or have you forgotten?" Everett didn't forget. He just chose not to agree with that. Deb being right would just give the Hindu a big head. "After all, you'd be dead by now if you didn't listen to him." 

"So what's that suppose to mean?" Amy stood from her chair and pushed it in. 

"It means that you don't need this." She pointed at the bottle still on the table. "You're not going crazy, having some big crisis, or dying. You're doing exactly what your suppose to be doing. Worrying about Valentine." 

Everett frowned. "He's not my brother Amy. All this time, me being a big brother to him, it was pointless. I live my whole life being lied to by my dad about my mom and now this? I let someone in again and now this happens. I lost you and I thought, that's it, no more. Why do you think I drank the way I did when you left?"

Amy looked away from him and looked guilty. At least he could make her feel something still, even if it was bad. She left him, he drank and she left, so he drank more. He was alone. What else was he supposed to do now that he was alone again?

"I couldn't be around you anymore Everett, I told you that. I couldn't watch you become my father and yes, maybe it could of been handled a different way but this time... is not like that. No one is leaving you Everett. If anything, your the one who's leaving." Amy picked up the bottle and held it in her hands. He thought she might throw it but she was never one to be violence.

"You said you love me." She said looking down at the bottle. "Years ago you gave up because you lost me. You thought you could never have someone like me again."

She placed the bottle back onto the table. "If you doing this is anything to go by... Seems like you already found someone."

Amy walked over to the staircase and stopped. Everett looked at the bottle on the table. He was doing the same thing again, wasn't he? He lost Amy and he drank himself stupid. Now, he was going to do it again because of Valentine.

"You don't need me to pull you back. You have someone to do that for you. All you have to do is remember that and it should be enough. You're strong, stronger than you know." She walked up the stairs and left him alone. 

Everett was right in calling her. Amy, the one to always remind him of how stupid he was being. He stared at the bottle and wanted to throw it. He didn't need it to make himself feel better. He just needed Valentine back. The young man helped take his mind off things. If it wasn't for his newest doodad that he found God knows where, or the guy he met at some bar that Everett didn't care to remember the name of, Valentine kept him grounded. He was there for him when no one else would be.. that included Amy.

He smiled at the memory of them after the festival. They felt like kings in their own world and Valentine pointed out how well they worked together. The dynamic duo, Val called them. They would always be there for the other and together they were going to rule the world. Everett snorted at the last part. World domination was Valentines M.O. He'd rule one guy at a time, the man said. Backstrom's smiled faded. 

"Guess that means me too."

\-----


	8. Alone...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Why didn't you tell me?" It slipped out. He felt his eyes water and the pain he felt earlier starting to wash over him again. "Did you know?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be both Backstrom and Valentine POV. Starting with Val and the break is Backstrom. Hope that doesn't confuse anyone but I tossed a little Backstrom in there from what happened in the last chapter.  
> Right now it seems like Val's part in the story is just emotions/drama. Don't worry, we will get to see quirky, spunky, Valentine again soon. This is pretty much a turning point. With this chapter the story will be moving into the more "forbidden territory" Backstrom is worrying about... and that's where all the fun will begin.  
> It's a slow build and I hope I haven't lost anyone yet.

Valentine sat at the window watching the last of the sun disappeared behind Portland's skyline. He laughed bitterly. He didn't get to see the sun for most of the day and now here he was, watching it go. Leaving him alone to sit in the dark, empty room, by himself, for the rest of the night.

He shouldn't of yelled at Louise. Sent her away before the shadows crept in. He wasn't a small child that was afraid of the dark. Living the life he had, doing he jobs he accepted, you couldn't be afraid of the dark. Not when you were suppose to be apart of it. 

Valentine shifted from the window and moved to the hospital bed. He looked to the bag on the table against the wall. It's red and green pattern a stark contrast against the rest of the white. Christmas wasn't a holiday he thought about often. Even before, his life finally becoming worth something, holidays were a luxury he couldn't think about. Coming together, being with family, showing how much they care for you, it wasn't for him. Louise tried to reach out to him. He understood that, but now... he felt like they were back to that moment when she couldn't stand being in the same room with him. This time it wasn't her fault. She was trying to be there for him, make that connection, but she lied to him. Now he felt like that family he almost had was just an illusion. Why didn't Backstrom just tell him.

Valentine took the few steps to the table and grabbed his cell phone before returning to the bed. The phone still had power, even if it was low, the charger probably the bag. He skimmed his contacts and stopped with his finger over the name Backstrom. Val smiled at the small heart he added after the name. A year ago Backstrom's name was Dick, which was replaced by Backstrom once they found out they were brothers. Then Val had the idea of adding a heart to the name to use his brother as a scape goat. It was pretty easy to show a one off that he was in some committed relationship once they saw how many calls Valentine had with this Backstrom guy. He told the man about it once, then Val had to pry the phone from the bigger mans hand a few minutes later. Backstrom didn't find it funny but Valentine loved to rile him up. 

Valentine hated being alone. Even if the only person he was used to might not of been the best company, Backstrom was still always there for him. He hated his mother for sending him away earlier. He felt safer around his bro- no, his roommate? Val sighed as he laid back slowly against the mattress, trying not to put to much pressure on his left side. He held the phone above his head and thought about what to do. He could call Backstrom, ask him to come back- no that would make him sound clingy. Backstrom didn't have to treat him like a little brother anymore. He knew that wouldn't work. He could tell him he needed something from his room and... of course it could wait till tomorrow.

Valentine glanced up at the time on his phone. It was too late for visitors to come in now anyway. Backstrom wasn't allowed after hours even if he was cop. Val wasn't in critical condition so he didn't need an eye on him in case of emergencies. Maybe Backstrom wouldn't even pick up the phone and Val would be left to leave some snark remark on the mans voice mail.  
He pushed the call button and put the phone to his ear. Valentine's heart raced and he almost hung up after the first ring. What would he say to Backstrom anyway? Ask him when he was being kicked out? How long he had to fish out enough to pay full rent again? The phone kept ringing and his heart dropped. So he really wasn't important enough to have his call answered. He was in the hospital, at least Backstrom could show his some courtesy.

______________________________________________________________

Everett sat at the table still staring at the bottle in front of him. Amy was wrong. He wasn't strong enough to resist his addiction. He was lost without his vises and staring back at him was what he needed to let everything go. God did he want to just block everything out again. His ex and her knowing smiles, Louise and her lying, Valentine and... 

Backstrom grabbed the bottle and held it in his hand. This would be his first in 3 months. His one allowance that he had after his father was reinstated as sheriff was enough. Valentine had made sure of it by throwing the rest he found over the side of the barge. Deb would probably have him fired on the spot the next time he went in but Backstrom didn't care anymore. His life was shit anyway. He didn't need his team, his ex-fiance, or his ex-brother in his life to continue living. 

He almost dropped the bottle when his phone vibrated on the table. Everett slammed the bottle down and grabbed the phone. He paused looking at the name. Valentine was calling him. What timing, Everett rolled his eyes, and looked at the bottle. The guy was some kind of plague not leave him alone. Everett cursed himself. He didn't mean that. Valentine was in the hospital, stuck with his mother, no doubt being lied to... Unless she told him the truth. Everette would have to make a decision. He had to make a choice about Valentine, he stays or he goes.

"I don't know if we can live together anymore." Backstrom said aloud. If the two of them kept living the same way, what would happen? Everett didn't want to think about him slipping into some forbidden territory with his roommate. That's the last thing he wanted with the younger man. It wasn't like Valentine was even attracted to him. They had that discussion before they were even brothers. Of course, since then, their boundaries started to blur. Niedermayer pointed out things that Valentine did for Backstrom but only Everette knew what he did for the younger man. He wasn't used to touching people but Everett got used to bumping shoulders, or even playfully punching the younger man. He even started buying things that he knew Valentine liked. The egg rolls Val raved about from China Town, or the silk sheets he found online that the seller wanted to much for. Everett didn't even know why he bought them. The blue looked better than purples and pinks currently on Valentines bed but... God he was so stupid. He knew he would have to push Valentine away if it was still going to work.

The phone stopped vibrating and showed a missed call. Everett hearts beat in his chest. "Dammit."  
He pushed the call button and let it ring. 

______________________________________________________________

Valentine pulled the phone away and wanted to crush it in his hand. Backstrom was being a dick and he was sure to have his name changed back as soon as... The phone started vibrating and he pulled it back to his face. Backstrom was calling him back. He was half tempted not to answer but pushed the answer button anyway.

He pause listening for any sound on the other line. Backstrom didn't say anything so Val spoke first. "Yeah?" He kept his voice calm but his mind was coming up with things every second that ticked by. Everett stayed quite on the line. Valentine felt a little concerned. He couldn't see the man and with him alone, where ever he was, could be a bad thing. Valentine wasn't the only one who couldn't be left alone. Everett needed a support system. Valentine always had to remind him of how good he was doing without drinking, or how much of a difference his health food was doing to his body. Everett Backstrom alone, possibly emotional, not responding to his calls. Valentine sat up quickly.

"So help me Backstrom, if you're trying to kill yourself-"

"I'm not!" Val sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. He shouldn't of worried but he couldn't stop himself. Backstrom was always going to be important to him no matter what his mother said. He was still... something.

"What are you doing then?" Val asked, trying to keep their usual flow over his nerves.

Backstrom took a moment to respond and Valentine didn't like it. He wasn't the only one that was good at lying. Backstrom lied to him all the time and over the phone it was even harder to tell what was going on in his head. Val frowned.

"Nothing... What are you doing?" Valentine could hear something off in Backstrom's voice.

"Nothing? I guess i'm doing nothing too." He looked around the room and felt lonely. Even with Backstrom in his ear, it wasn't the same. He laid back down and kicked his legs over the side. "Backstrom..."

"Yeah?" Val closed his eyes and tried to picture Backstrom in his head. He could be at home. Sitting in his chair with the TV off, alone.

"What are you doing?" He could hear the exhale over the phone. Whatever it was bothered the man. "Tell me." Val lowered his voice like they were children trading secrets.

"Making... bad choices." Backstrom responded in the same tone. Val kept his eyes closed and pictured Backstrom with a beer in hand. Idiot. Poor choices for what reasons?

"Why?" 

Everett paused again. It was hard sometimes to get Backstrom to open up to him. With the older man, Val felt stripped down. Not in a sexy, come strip me so we can get busy kind of way. It was an intimate, i can't hide anything from you, way. Continues lies become obvious truths and it annoyed Valentine sometimes. He caved whenever Backstrom wanted him to and it made Valentine feel small. He spent most of his life building up a wall and for a that man to just walk right through it... Val wanted to be able to do that too. Have Backstrom trust him enough to just say anything, everything.

"You okay?" Backstrom asked instead of answering his question. Valentine smiled sadly.

"No." It was the truth. He hated himself right now. He hated his fear for a room that couldn't hurt him, his reaction to Louise, and his honesty with Backstrom. The stress was exhausting and he felt like crying. "I'm not okay." He could feel his voice catch and he couldn't hide that from the man on the other line.

"Val-"

"Why didn't you tell me?" It slipped out. He felt his eyes water and the pain he felt earlier starting to wash over him again. "Did you know?"  
Everett kept pausing and it made Valentine want to scream at him. He trusted Everett. Now he was going to be told that, even the one person he trusted most, was lying to him too?

"No." Everett sighed. Of course he knew, how else would he of guessed what his question was about.

"You're lying!" Val pushed his free hand against his eyes. Whiling himself to calm down.

"Valentine... our relationship is- our relationship is based on trust remember?" Val chuckled. Of course Backstrom would use one of Valentines lines against him.

"I do trust you." He whipped at his face, not letting any tears fall.

"Then trust me when I say i'm not lying to you. She didn't tell me till I was in the hospital."

Valentine breathed. "Are you kicking me out?" He repeated a line from months ago. Hoping for a different reaction than the last time. He wasn't ready to be alone again, have no one. Backstrom's silence on the other line was scary. All of sudden Valentine questioned what he would do, where he would go and it started to eat at his already fragile state.

"I don't... I don't know." There it was. The prelude to an 'of course'. Valentine laughed bitterly and let the tears fall.

"So that's it then?" His voice cracked. He knew Backstrom could hear how upset he was. "Years living together and this is it? Tossed aside cause my mother's a bitch and you're an asshole?"

"It's different now." Backstrom started but Valentine wasn't about to let him talk himself into being right.

"It's not different!" He hissed out. He could raise his voice but the nurses would most likely take his phone away. "I'm still your gay, thief, roommate, how am I different? It's not my fault I got shot."

"Val stop." 

"What, because i'm not your brother you think you can just dump me onto the next guy!? You're such a fucking asshole!" Threw the blood rushing in his hears he could hear a chair being pushed across the floor. Backstrom must of been sitting at the table alone. 

"Valentine liste-"

"No! You listen to me." Val interrupted. "We were always going to be there for each other. We protect each other, that's what we do. Now you just push me away and I am not okay with it." Valentine was shaking and he continued to rub at his face. "I hate you!"

He gasped in a breath and cried. He hadn't felt this alone in a long time. He could hear Everett slam something against the table.

"Stop crying!" The older man urged him. 

"Fuck you." Valentine knew he should just hang up the phone. All he had to do was push the little red phone... or throw the phone against the wall. Violence felt better at the moment. 

"Val, i'm not kicking you out!" 

"Another lie."

"I'm not! Now stop crying before I end up coming down there only to be arrested for sneaking into a hospital." Backstrom was a cop. He could get into anywhere just by flashing a badge. No one would know if he ended up in a random patients room.

"You should. Just so I can see you being handcuffed." The image made him laugh even though he did mean it. Seeing Backstrom being carted off after being an asshole would be worth it.

"Don't tempt me. You think i'm okay knowing you're still in that place?"

"Don't act like you care." He felt a little happy knowing Everett would try. Deep down he really did want him to. Having him there in the room, even being a jerk about it, he wouldn't be alone.

"I'm not acting Valentine." Backstrom sighed. "I hate that your mother lied, but i'm not just gonna... leave you there or kick you out." His tears started to slow.

"I'm not your son, i'm not your brother... why're you keeping me this time?" He really wanted to know. Backstrom didn't do things for no reason and just like Valentine, it had to be a benefit to him or it was a no go. He couldn't take Backstrom lying to him, not about this.

"Seriously?" Backstrom asked.

"No, I want you to lie to me... just add it on." 

Everett took a moment before answering. "For me." Valentine thought he didn't hear him right.

"For you?" He heard another sigh.

"Yes, okay? I want you stay! Not because you're my brother , or cause I need the rent. I want you!" Valentine felt himself blush. Well he didn't expect that one.

"To stay! I want you to stay... cause I just want you to, okay?" If Backstrom was in the room, Valentine was sure the man was hitting himself for how he was making that sound. If it was anyone else telling him that he would probably have to make a quite exit and never show his face again. Valentine had guys tell him how much they wanted him, needed him, and asked him to be with them... but Backstrom was different. Backstrom needed Valentine deep down to keep going. They relied on each other.

"I wanna stay too." Val smiled. So he wasn't alone... at least not yet. "You didn't have to be such a dick earlier."

"You didn't have to be such a drama queen." He could hear the smile in the other mans voice.

"Of course I did. How else am I making you take me back?" He expected a laugh but didn't get one.

"You're just happy I gave in after your blubbering."

"Not my fault I found your weak spot." Everett chuckled. He missed hearing his bro- Backstrom laugh. It always made him feel better. Valentine looked around the room.

"I really do wish you were here." He was being sappy and childish, but honest. He'd gotten attached. Another thing he didn't let himself do. Don't get close and don't get attached. 

"Yeah, I know... you should sleep."

Valentine sighed. "Don't think that'll help." If he slept, he could dream, then he could wake up to himself screaming and hurting one of the nurses. He should of told someone. Explained why he couldn't stay for longer than he had to, or at least moved to a room that didn't look like... before.

"You've got your phone. All you have to do is call." Valentine smiled.

"Aw, you'll wait up all night for me Backstrom?" he cooed.

"Don't push it, Val." He didn't like when people used his birth name but for some reason he was okay hearing it from Backstrom. He wanted to call the man by his fist name too but it seemed like a more personal thing. Something only used by family and ex lovers, which Valentine was not.

"Give me a break, i'm milking this." He hear Backstrom laugh again.

"Go to sleep... i'm right here." Everett whispered in his hear. It was strange, Everett Backstrom was never this caring... but it was comforting.

"My phones gonna die." Valentine remembered. He sat back up and felt the pain shot into his back. His body was still recovering and all the movement throughout the day was starting to catch up to him, and he'd barely moved. The charger was under the extra clothes his mother brought for him. He plugged his phone in and got as comfortable as he could on the bed.

"Good now?" Everett's voice spoke out when Valentine put him on speaker phone.

"I guess." He closed his eyes and tried to picture Backstrom, in the barge, somewhere.

"Where are you right now? Valentine asked.

"Shouldn't you be sleeping?" 

"I'll fall asleep, just tell me." He waited for Backstrom to answer. It must of been somewhere worthy of a delayed response.

"I'm looking into your room." Valentine opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling, a blush coming to his face. Since when was Backstrom that sappy? "I should mess everything up while you're away."

"Careful," Val drew out. "You might find something you don't want to find."

"On second thought." Valentine smiled at the image of Backstrom finding his more interesting items in one of his drawers.

The two stayed quite after that. Valentine could her Backstrom's breathing on the line still. It wasn't the same as hearing his snoring in another room but it helped. Valentine closed his eyes and imagined his bed, in his room, Backstrom standing there awkwardly in the doorway. If he were still a child, he'd probably would of asked the man to stay as he fell asleep. He was too old for it now and Backstrom would say something about how gay that would be. He was probably right. He wasn't allowed to be that way anymore. Brotherly affection would just be awkward now. They weren't brothers and Val was going to miss that connection. He could be open, and himself, and be as flirty as he wanted, just to make his big brother squirm. Not anymore. He didn't want to push his roommate away.

He was really gonna miss that.

\-----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea how long it takes a gun shot to heal or how long a person takes to come out of a surgery from one. I tried to look it up but it ranges from a couple weeks to months. I kinda know how long a lung collapse can take, from experience, depending on how much air has escaped into the chest and how long it takes the air to be absorbed vs. needing to be removed via surgery... so the time frame i experienced will be reflected in Valentines recovery time. I'm sure the guy should be in the hospital for a lot longer but... i'm not keeping him in there for very long.


	9. Release... part1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If the blonde could use her charm on the doctor, Valentine could figure his way out of the hospital by the end of the day. He wasn't gonna wait days or even weeks for them to give him his release papers. If Backstrom wasn't gonna show his face, then he was just gonna have to do it himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Valentine POV  
> Moving things along to get Val back to Backstrom. This chapter will have to be split into 2... and look it's Paquet!  
> Backstrom the show is now over but the fandom shall live on! I will keep updating this story as much as I can. This monster seems to be getting longer and longer. I know how it'll end its just getting there lol.

Valentine started planning out his escape as soon as he was coherent enough to realize he was still being held in the hospital. He didn't remember falling asleep. He didn't remember if Backstrom hung up or if he told the older man good night before he let fatigue get the better of him. He did remember waking up. Seeing that mans face in his dream, thinking he was still there, lashing out and feeling his fist hit bone, he remembered. It didn't take him very long to realize what he'd done as his vision focused onto one of the nurses holding the side of her face. He hit a nurse and then he was strapped to the bed. A man who he didn't care to remember the name of came to talk to him. 

"Mr. Valentine, are you paying attention to what i'm asking you?" No he wasn't. He could care less about the man in front of him. Valentine was acquainted with people of all kinds in his line of work. This man was one of his least favorite type. A know it all, attention demanding, old man, who Valentine also wanted to punch for asking to many questions. He was a psychologist, Val did remember that, and he had one of the few medical files from the thief's past. Apparently his little altercation that morning lead the staff to believe he was a threat as well as a patient. 

"Mr. Valentine," The doctor tried to pry Val into the present. "Do you believe that you are a threat to yourself or to any members of our staff?" 

Valentine felt himself smile. He shouldn't be antagonizing the man but he wasn't in the mood to talk to some bullshit shrink about things he had no business asking. He brought up his past, how he reacted years ago, and questioned his current state of mind. Of course he didn't answer.

"Is there a reason why you won't answer any of my questions?" The man had only been there for... ten... maybe fifteen minutes. Valentines continues silence had the doctor agitated. 

"Perhaps I should contact Louise Finster." Valentine looked up at the man as he pulled a sheet of paper from his small stack. "It says here she is-"

"No." Valentine interrupted. "I don't want her here." He still wasn't over the fact that his mother had been lying to him. He wasn't ready to see her again, not yet.

"It says she's your mother. Is there a reason why I shouldn't call her?" Valentine looked for a clock. With his arms held relatively in place, he couldn't reach for his phone. 

"Mr. Valentine, with your refusal to answer any of my questions, procedure states that I must contact the one listed for emergencies. Now, the only thing you've given me this inter time is that you don't want your mother called. Now I have to have someone answer my questions, or your going to be spending the rest of your stay here in that bed." 

Valentine took a moment to process that. All he did was punch someone. It wasn't like he hit her hard. He hit Backstrom harder than he hit the woman and you don't see him chaining Val to the dinning table. 

The doctor sighed in frustration and started to walk out.

"Wait." Val stopped him. If he was going to be able to leave soon this wasn't the way to do it. Backstrom wasn't coming even after he said he'd be there. Of course he said it last night and it was just to calm the younger man down, but still, he should of been there by now.

"I shouldn't of hit her and i'm sorry." He didn't put any effort into sounding apologetic but it did bring the older man back to the middle of the room.

"I'm not a threat to anyone, I just woke up and swung... I didn't mean for anyone to be there." The man nodded and wrote something down on the papers. Why did doctors do that? Try to be all secretive.

"Your file says that you reacted badly the day you woke up after surgery. Can you explain to me why you've had this reaction, twice now." Valentine shrugged.

"I don't like waking up in places I don't know. Sets me off I guess." The man nodded.

"Waking up in a place like this is triggering an aggressive response for what reason, Mr. Valentine?" Val cursed his choice of words. Where the fuck was Backstrom?

"I don't know. I don't like it?" 

"Are you asking me if you don't like it? Or are you unsure of why it is you don't like it."

"What answer gets these things off?" He pulled his arms up as high as they would go.

"An honest answer that confirms that you don't need them." Val snorted. Wow was this guy wasn't helpful.

"Do you know the name Doctor Sarah Line?" He thought about it.

"Should I?" He asked. What did the doctor have to do with getting the right answers?

"She was the doctor that saw to you when you were brought here 9 years ago. She was the one to asses you after the traumatic experience that brought you here."

"So?" 

"So," The man came over to sit next to his bed, the same seat Backstrom had been in yesterday. "Bewilderment, paralyzing anxiety, hypervigilance, panic attacks, vivid dreams, recurring nightmares, and an acute sensitivity to the reaction of other people. Just a few of the notes she left on your reaction to what happened to you. Among other things, you're showing signs of your past trauma. One that, judging by what little medical records we have on you, wasn't properly handled all those years ago."

Valentine could feel himself shaking. Yeah he was like that. He wouldn't let anyone come within five feet of him, stayed awake till he couldn't keep his eyes open. He wouldn't even eat. He wasn't stupid. The doctors were trying to drug him. He didn't want to feel helpless again. No one would make him feel like that again. Held for days, assaulted, raped, not to mention how fucked in the head he felt after that. No, he wasn't going to let the doctors have any control over him. Even years later, even if the circumstances were completely different, his mind still refused to let any doctors into his head. 

"I recommend, while you're here in recovery, that you get help Mr. Valentine. Now-"

"No." It was like before and he hated it. Why couldn't he just go home and pretend like this hadn't happened. He was tired of being reminded of his past. This was just making things worse. He really wanted to reach out for his phone, call Backstrom, leave. 

"I just wanna go. I was doing fine... I'll be fine." His voice caught mid way. He was not about to break down in front of some stranger. The older man frowned. He was a professional that probably heard the same thing every time. Val was different. He really would be fine. He had to be.

"Bonjour." A voice called into the room. The doctor stood up from the chair as Paquet let herself in. 

"Good Morning." The doctor's demeanor changed in a flash. Val wasn't sure he wanted the whole SCU team to see him yet but he was glad for the woman's timing.

"Oh, Hello. I'm a friend of Valentines. I know i'm a little late. I didn't know he was with a doctor." She waved to Val and he pulled his arms up to show her what was going on. The woman looked appalled instantly. 

"Pourquoi?" She took the few steps to Valentines bed and pulled on his arms. "Why is he strapped to the bed like this? What have you done?" She spun around to the doctor.

"Mam, Mr. Valentine here was having some problems this morning-"

"Non! This is not how you treat a patient. If his family finds out about this you will be in very big trouble." The man ushered Paquet away from Valentine. At least he had someone to stick up for him. The man didn't know how much shit he was going to get now.

"I demand you take those things off of him, now!" 

"Mam, I think we need to talk outside. Please." Paquet turned around to look at Valentine. The blonde waited for some kind of queue from him. 

"I'll just wait here." He pulled his arms up once more in defiance and Paquet pulled the doctor out of the room. 

If the blonde could use her charm on the doctor Valentine could still figure his way out of the hospital by the end of the day. He wasn't gonna wait days or even weeks for them to give him his release papers. If Backstrom wasn't gonna show his face then he was just gonna have to do it himself.

"Backstrom." He sighed and adjusted himself on the bed. There wasn't anyone in the room and with the door closed he couldn't hear what was being said outside. After the previous night Valentine thought he was going to be okay. His talk with Backstrom made things better. The man always seemed to have that effect on him. To others, the calloused man was almost hard to be in the same room with. After years of getting used to it, not having him, made Valentine feel out of place. It wasn't like Val was the only person in Everett Backstrom's life. He had a career and a team to lead. He had no obligations to be with Valentine all the time. Maybe he really did need to talk to a shrink. He didn't want anyone to be around him... but a guy like Backstrom he was fine with?

Paquet came back into the room followed by a nurse Valentine didn't recognize. The nurse came to his arms and unlatched the straps holding them in place. She didn't say anything to him while he was doing it. Punching a nurse in the face probably took him off of the nursing staffs favorites list. Hopefully they weren't gonna mess with his food because of it.

"Ca va?" She asked and Valentine smiled.

"I'm okay." He rubbed his arms where the straps had been. "Why are you here?"

Paquet moved to the side of the bed where the doctor was sitting at. "Backstrom asked me to come here this morning." Valentine felt a pull in his chest. Sending someone else here instead of coming himself... typical.

"He wanted to discuss something with Almond before coming here but Chief Cervantes showed up. She wasn't to happy, so he told me and Niedermayer to come." 

Valentine tried to not let his interests peak at the name. He promised Nadia he wouldn't flirt with her boyfriend. Or at least, flirt too much. The forensics specialist spent months trying to get Valentine to give up. No one said no to Gregory Valentine... well almost no one. Niedermayer was a conquest. One that would have to be put on the back burner for awhile. Becoming friends with Nadia made it harder to want their relationship to fall apart. He liked her, they had a lot of the same interests and the woman seemed to be on even match when it came to the art of seduction. It annoyed him that those talents weren't allowed to be used on Niedermayer... but the woman could make him squirm in seconds and seeing a blushing and horny Niedermayer was still a nice sight to see. 

"What you tell the Doc?" Paquet crossed her arms in frustration. 

"I threatened him in a way I probably should not have. Explained that you weren't about to get out of bed and try killing his nurses. Tried to make him feel like a fool, which he was. How dare he do that to you like you are an animal. Chiant!" She pushed herself into the chair.

Valentine wanted to laugh. "So where's your better half?" She rolled her eyes and frowned. 

"He told me to come in here while he waits downstairs. He can be such a girl sometimes. Here I am coming to a hospital, when I hate hospitals. I can not stand them and he goes to hide where it is all normal. No offence, this room is so gauche and déprimant that I feel I may freak out on you." Valentine sat up and moved to the side of the bed.

"Are you crazy? You shouldn't be here if you can't handle hospitals." He was one to talk judging by the look she gave him. 

"He thought it would help me get over my fears but..." Valentine watched her look around the room and felt sorry for her. He knew what it felt like to have his past be thrown in his face. Paquet looked like she was having the same experience.

"Nadia, please. I promise I won't try to steal Niedermayer away. I don't want you to have to stay in here cause of me." Paquet smiled at him sadly. She was a strong woman. Stronger than she let most of the SCU know. The smiley blonde bombshell was also in hiding, scared, anxious, and always on her guard. Niedermayer was one of the few that got to see a part of her she kept very well hidden. Valentine was privileged to get to know her enough for her to let some of her past be known. 

She grabbed one of Valentines hands and squeezed. The two of them really were alike and he would never force someone to have to relive what they've gone through. She stood up and kissed him in the cheek. 

"As long as you keep all hands and feet above his waist I will allow it." They smiled at one another. Val nodded and she slipped away.

Valentine was alone again but he knew not for long. This would be the first time he'd spoken with Niedermayer since before he was shot. He heard the man was in the hospital but it seemed like he didn't have the balls to come into his hospital room. Valentine shook his head. That wasn't the reason. It wasn't like Val ever gave the older man a break when he was around. He was lucky that Niedermayer would even care enough to be in the same hospital as him. Val liked him, he made that apparent, a little too much at times. Val dealt with guys that came on strong all the time. He knew better than to act like that with Niedermayer. In the past month Val started to tone it down on the ogling. He knew when he was beat.

He looked behind him to the window. The blind still drawn from the previous day letting light into the room. It was still early. He had to make a plan to get someone to get him out of the hospital. He didn't want to scare Niedermayer away... but he had to some how convince the quick witted man to get him back to the barge. 

\-----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:  
> Ca va? - How's it going?  
> Chiant! - Annoying! (different variants of that)  
> Déprimant - Depressing


	10. Release... part2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What do you say Niedermayer," Valentine playfully held out his hand. "Would you be my escort this evening?" He wasn't shocked when the man refused it.
> 
> "After you." Valentine took it as a sign that his foolish plan might work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Niedermayer and Valentine banter!  
> I want them to be friends in the show. Is that so much to ask?
> 
> What Valentine does in this chapter is very stupid and dangerous. I don't even know if it's even possible. Made up story is made up... do not attempt in real life.

It wasn't long before Niedermayer entered his room. If it were any other time, Valentine would of spent the few, short moments, making himself presentable. He felt sweaty, just plan gross, and probably didn't look very pretty either. If he didn't get himself away from this room soon, he would have to cave and clean himself in a hospital. He didn't need anyone to help him.. but a hospital shower only had two temperatures, ice and boiling. Not to mention the soap. He wasn't trying to be ungrateful, he was just particular with his self maintenance. 

Niedermayer looked at him and Val could feel himself blush. "Well at least one of us is still gorgeous." The man was always amazing to look at. Tall, and lean, with a bookish air and yet a little rough under all those perfectly tailored suits. Damn Paquet was lucky.

Niedermayer didn't respond and continued to stare from the doorway. Val shifted under the mans gaze. He hated that look. Niedermayer slowly stopped avoiding him as time went on but he still gave Valentine that "look" at times. All seeing, all knowing, and if he didn't know he was gonna find out just by staring at you... kind of look. Backstrom pointed it out to him one day. It was one of he many things Everett Backstrom disliked about Peter Niedermayer. At first the man barely looked at Val unless he stepped into his bubble. Now that they were okay with each other, he missed just being able to ogle the older man. Now it was like he was some crime scene to analyze and pick apart. 

"Wow, I know I look like shit... you don't have to rub it in." Val hoped that that would brake the tension he felt creeping in on him. Niedermayer visibly relaxed.

"Nadia said you had a fight with one of your doctors?" Valentine rolled his eyes. 

"I punched a nurse, not a doctor." He corrected the man and then wanted to smack himself. Niedermayer wasn't one for displays of physical anger or animosity. His words, not Valentines. He wasn't trying to win the man over anymore, no need to conform to his standards, Val just didn't want to have to start all over with him. Baby steps, maybe friends, maybe a shoulder to cry on if him and Nadia didn't work out, maybe a bed to wake up in the next morning. Who was he kidding... Niedermayer was over the moon for his amour.

"You shouldn't of been punching anyone." Niedermayer came closer to his bed but stayed farther away than the rest. "If the Lieutenant finds out-"

"You don't have to tell him!" Niedermayer sighed and moved to sit in a chair farthest away from Valentine. "I think he's already kinda stressed out. Don't make it worse." 

Niedermayer looked out him again. "He gave me orders to keep an eye on you." Val frowned. 

"Why'd you send Paquet then?" Valentine enjoyed the womans company on good days, but even he knew Paquet had limits. "You know she doesn't like hospital's after-"

"I thought you might enjoy seeing her, the two of you being friends." Valentine tried to read the ever stoic man on the other side of the room. He wasn't always good at judging people but Niedermayer was keeping something from him. Valentine moved to stand up but stopped when Niedermayer shot up.

"You shouldn't be getting out of bed." Valentine took a moment to adjust his to small clothes.

"Yeah, i've been stuck in bed all day. If I don't start moving around i'll get sore and you'll have to hear me complain... Unless you'll give me a reason not to get up." Val smirked at him.

"Are you even allowed to be moving?" Niedermayer shifted closer to him and Valentine nodded.

"They've got me on some pain killers and if i'm lucky, maybe they'll let me take a lap around. Not far of course, what with me healing and posing a threat." Valentine joked but Niedermayer didn't look amused. He wasn't attached to anything anymore. They took his morphine away after he tried using it too many times. 

"What do you say Niedermayer," Valentine playfully held out his hand. "Would you be my escort this evening?" He wasn't shocked when the man refused it.

"After you." Valentine took it as a sign that his foolish plan might work. 

He'd only given himself the few minuets it took Paquet to switch with Niedermayer to think up a way to get away from the hospital. Have Niedermayer get him away from his nurses, find a way to get the man to look the other way, then find the nearest elevator. He didn't give himself time to think of how stupid it really did seem. Backstrom would of been an easier out. The man would do mostly anything his "little brother" wanted. Well, anything within reason. It was only recently that brother returned to roommate... Valentine refused to lose that connection. Not after he finally had someone he could honestly call family and a place that was home. No, he wouldn't let Backstrom slip back into the narcissistic, and closeted self depreciating, man he was a year ago. It didn't take long for him to slip back into bad habits. Valentine knew that first hand. Having him not show up gave Valentine a bad taste in his mouth, excuses be damned. 

"Are you sure you're alright to be walking?" Niedermayer was now behind him when he stopped in the doorway. 

"It's not that far. Just once around and then back. If I start feeling like i'm gonna pass out... i'm sure you'll help me out." Val gave him a sly smirk and walked into the hallway. He hadn't been out of his room since his arrival but he'd been to this hospital before. The halls were one giant loop, with his room out of site as soon as he turned a corner.

"Hey." He walked up to the desk, the girl he'd seen before sitting behind it. "I'm getting kinda claustrophobic in there. Is it okay if my friend walks with me for a little?" He didn't think about his options if the nurses told him no. 

"Has the doctor given you permission to be up and moving?" The girl gave him a look. He had to think quickly.

"He didn't say I couldn't and it's not even five minutes to walk the whole way round." He pulled Niedermayer by the arm. "This guy's a cop. He won't let me get into any trouble." He gave the man a pleading look as Niedermayer pulled his arm away.

The nurse looked between them and nodded her head. "Just once." Valentine sighed in relief. Step one completed. "Then you have to get back into bed. Your condition could worsen the more you move around. Not to mention the air that escaped into your chest hasn't been completely been absorbed. If you have any trouble breathing at any time, you stop where you are and a nurse will get you a wheelchair." 

"Thanks." He grabbed onto Niedermayer's arm and pulled him away from the nurse. Once he turned the corner his brain took in every detail. More rooms, nurses, nooks that led into what looked like small break areas. A sign on the ceiling told him the elevators where down another hall at the far end. 

"Are you going to tell me if you have to stop? I don't think you're going to like being forced into a wheelchair, but it's for your own safety." Niedermayer pulled his arm away from Valentine again. 

"No pain so far." He tried to assure the man and tried to hide his nervousness. He was maybe 100 feet from the hall leading to the elevators. "You don't have to pretend your worried Niedermayer. Last thing you want to do is baby sit."

The man huffed at his side. "Never thought I'd hear you refer to yourself as a baby."

"I'm not, you know what I mean." He glared up at him. Niedermayer had a smile on his face. 

"I've been told i'm a great baby sitter." Valentine wasn't about to let the man one up him.

"Hm, If i'm a bad boy, would you punish me?" Val dropped his voice and leered at him. He could see the red tint on Niedermayer's face.

"How bout not." Valentine laughed.

"Oh, so you'll just let me be bad boy then? Let me do bad things?" This time Niedermayer glared as Valentine smiled.

As the two came to the end of the hall Valentine looked towards the elevators. They were separated by a wall of glass, mostly visible, and there weren't any nurses till they turned the corner. He kept walking and felt almost panicked.

"Wait." Valentine stopped once they turned and looked in front of him.

"What is it?" Niedermayer stopped at his side. He almost sounded worried but Valentine was more preoccupied with what his next move was. In front of him was another set of rooms, a nurse desk, and a small room with a vending machine and chairs. "Are you feeling any pain?"

Valentine shook his head. "Can you do me a favor?" He looked up at Niedermayer, their previous banter all but forgotten. "I don't have any change and I could really use some chocolate about now."

Niedermayer frowned and looked over to the small break room. "You want candy?"

Valentine shrugged. Anything to get the man to walk away. "Ask Backstrom, i'm like a candy fiend. Nothing for days and now that I've seen it... I don't have anyone else to get it for me."

Niedermayer gave him that "look" again. Valentine only smiled back. As long as Niedermayer gave in he could just walk backwards and he'd be half way there.

"Please?" Valentine whined and went tro grab Niedermayer but the man dodged him and started walking to the break area. "Just a Hershey bar will do."

"Yeah, okay." Niedermayer didn't turn around and Valentine held his breath. His eyes landing on the nurses, who weren't looking up at him and backed away quickly. Once he passed back around the corner he walked over to the elevators and pressed down. Of course elevators never moved as fast as you wanted them. Valentine pressed the down button repeatedly.

"Shit, come on." Valentine looked up at the door and noticed the 2 above it. He was only on the second floor. Not wasting any time he moved to the stairs and pushed through the door.

Valentine didn't hesitate to take the stairs quickly. He could feel his sticking pull on his back as he moved down. He was gonna feel it eventually. He just had to get far enough for no one to drag him back in. He wasn't a prisoner. 

The door leading to the main lobby pushed easily. Lucky for him, there wasn't many people milling about. Paquet must of left as soon as she was given the okay. A man sat at the information center and a couple sat on a sofa by the automatic doors. Valentine took a breath and started walking. He tried to not make eye contact but could feel eyes on him. He looked like hell and was walking around in too small pajamas. He expected for someone to come jumping out at him once he got to the doors.

"Excuse me sir." Valentine stopped as the doors opened. He turned around to see the the information man standing at his desk. "Can I help you with something?"

Valentine looked back to the hall leading to the stairs and elevators. Niedermayer had to of noticed he was missing by now. The man wasn't stupid and would figure out where Valentine went any minute.

"No." Valentine shock his head and walked out of the hospital. He could hear the man calling for him but continued to walk at a brisk pace. Portland in December was normally tolerable with a coat but with his rubber padded socks, and thin, scratch clothes, Valentine was starting to second guess his idea. He could feel his body tense and he rapped his arms around his middle. He was really going to be in pain now. 

Once he was out of the parking lot he picked up his pace a bit more. Once Niedermayer got downstairs the man inside would tell him what he saw. He made it this far, even though he felt stupid, he wasn't going back now. With his phone in his pocket and nothing else, Valentine set his coarse back to the dock. He'd made some stupid choices in life. Now having to walk almost an hour back to the barge was pretty high up there. Backstrom was probably going to kill him, maybe even send out the police force to go find him. Hopefully he wouldn't be passed out on the side walk. 

It was Backstrom's fault anyway. Making promises and not keeping them. Valentine shouldn't of listen to the lies, no matter what the older man said. Backstrom told him that he was making "bad choices". Valentine knew what he meant. Drinking himself into some hole in the ground, Gravely probably had to fish him out of the river, and the Chief was probably laying into him for it. Deb was going to have a fit. Backstrom wasn't some kid that needed to be monitored, but Valentine felt like it became part of his job to to do just that. It wasn't like he couldn't take care of himself. Backstrom hated to be coddled or fussed over. After awhile it just became normal to Val. Taking care of someone felt good, like he was part of something, like he had a purpose. Not being there for Backstrom, when he obviously needed it? He hated what he was feeling. Disappointment and that he was a failure, two things that Gregory Valentine refused to feel again. Not after spending years like that. 

He stopped and learned against the side of a building. People were giving him weird looks as they walked by. A guy wondering around in his night clothes couldn't of been the weirdest things they've seen. They should just mind their own business. He reached his hand as far as it could go around his back. He didn't notice before with the cold, but he was starting to sweat. He was in pain now. Sharp, needle like pricks, started to shoot up his left side. He should of tried pocketing some Oxycontin before making his daring escape. 

"Hey bud, you all right? Need help?" Valentine glared at a man as he walked by.

"No, thanks." He pushed away from the wall and kept walking. He'd have to make stops as he went. Only fifteen, maybe twenty minutes in, and he was ready to just sit for the rest of the day. What did he get himself into? He could feel his eyes water as another shot of pain ran through his body. Maybe he really should have waited for Backstrom, or called him. Valentine pulled his cell from his pajama pocket and looked at it. Backstrom wouldn't leave his brother on the cold streets... not brother.

"Fuck." He pushed his back against another building. Maybe he should call someone up and just disappear completely. Fuck all of it and let everyone else deal with their own shit. Valentine took a deep breath and winced. Maybe it was just the pain clouding his judgement. He couldn't make up his mind anymore.

"Valentine!" Val jumped at the sound of his name. In front of him sat Niedermayer in his car and he looked pissed. He was on his phone and quickly said something before hanging up. The man got out and Val pushed himself even farther against the brick. He tried to ignore the pain from pushing himself.

"Are you out of your mind!? Leaving the hospital like that? You could die out here. You realize how stupid that was?" Val watched as puffs of air left the mans mouth as he continued. "You had everyone freaking out. Lucky I couldn't get a hold of the Lieutenant yet, or we'd both be dead right now. What the hell where you thinking?" 

Valentine never saw Niedermayer get mad. Not even when he tried to push all of the mans buttons. A glare, a snarky remark, or a push aside. Never yelling. Valentine hated being yelled at. Especially when he couldn't yell back. Made him feel weak... made him feel small. He watched a mix of emotions filter over the older mans face. When he regained some composer Val relaxed.

"Are you alight?" Niedermayer was concerned and it was touching. Valentine was gasping for air slightly so he just shook his head. He wasn't alright. He wasn't going to lie about that.

"We need to get you back to the hospital." Niedermayer grabbed his arms gently.

"No." Val pulled back. "I don't wanna go back."

Niedermayer tightened his grip. Of course the man wouldn't touch Val unless it was for non pleasurable reasons. Why did big people feel the need to move smaller people around. "You're still recovering from a gun shot. You're pale, and shaking... we need to get you back."

Valentine hadn't noticed himself shaking until that moment. "I'm not going. I wanna go home. Take me back to the barge. I'll be fine there."

Niedermayer pulled him away from the wall. "That's not going to happen Valentine."

"No!" Val pulled away but Niedermayer held firm. "Let go Niedermayer." The two continued to push and pull. They were making a scene.

"You don't let go, i'll scream." Valentines socks skid across the pavement as he was being pulled to the car. 

"Go ahead. Then the cops will come and you'll still end up back at the hospital." Valentine yanked one arm free and hit Niedermayer in the chest. The man was like hitting a wall. Val couldn't count on his fingers or toes how many times he imagined touching Niedermayer's chest. Hitting him while being dragged to a car... was not one of his fantasies.

"Please!" Valentine hit him in the chest again. A pain that felt like fire rain over his back and his eyes welled up. He gasped in pain and froze. Niedermayer felt the struggle stop and paused. Valentine gasped for air and let tears fall. He wanted the pain to stop, to get out of the cold, he wanted to go home, and he wanted Backstrom there.

"I want to go home." He chocked out. Valentine didn't know if it was the pain or his emotions starting to bleed through. "I can't go back there... I can't stay there." 

Niedermayer grabbed the arm that was still on his chest and pulled. This time Valentine moved. "Just get in the car Valentine." 

He was running out of energy. "Please don't." It felt like begging. Niedermayer stopped when they were at the side of the car. Valentine wanted to pull away again but his muscles were already screaming. Niedermayer pulled him closer. He could feel the taller mans warmth. If only the scenario was different.

"Get in the car Valentine. You need to calm down and sit. We'll talk when you're in the car." Niedermayer pulled the passenger door open and helped Val into the seat. He knew the chairs were normal but in that moment, it was like sitting on a cloud. His body still felt like it was on fire but sitting helped. It helped a lot.

Niedermayer got into the driver side and then the world was silent. The sounds of the city were just a muffled hum around him. Valentine breathed deeply and slowly. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back. He almost made it. Damn.

"You have to tell me why you can't go back to the hospital, Valentine." Val opened his eyes and stared at the roof of the car. He could feel that gaze on him. Niedermayer wouldn't understand, unlike Backstrom. He was there those first few months when Valentine would wake up from nightmares. He wouldn't say a word and if he did it was something hateful. Or when he helped with the Boogeyman case... The older man never pushed it. New places, white rooms, strange people, they were triggers. He'd only just came clean to his roommate. They were close and Backstrom understood now... or at least Val thought he did.

"Something bad happened." Val sighed as he spoke. "That place makes it worse." 

Niedermayer stayed quite and Valentine played back his nightmares in his head. He couldn't be alone and he couldn't let Backstrom be alone either. 

"If I stay there, It'll just get worse."

"Hospitals are there to make things better." Niedermayer was only trying to help but of course, he didn't get it with out all of the information. This man was suppose to piece things together... not have everything handed to him.

"Not with this." Valentine looked at Niedermayer and they locked eyes. "Do you know what will help me?" 

Niedermayer frowned. "I'm not going to play your games Valentine." Val wanted to smile. This time Niedermayer's head went to the gutter before his did. Looks like he was rubbing off on the man.

"Going home." Valentine said honestly. He could tell Niedermayer was trying to find something that would lead him to another conclusion. He wasn't going to find anything. 

"I want..." He felt a blush creep into his cheeks. Being honest was embarrassing. "Backstrom." 

It was small but Valentine caught something in the other mans eyes. He didn't understand how the genius brain worked but it was like a switch, or the starting of the gears. Whatever it was made Niedermayer sigh and push himself farther into his chair. The two stayed quite for a few minutes. 

The pain in Valentines side and back had faded some. He definitely needed something soon, hospital or not. Niedermayer put his key into the ignition, started the car, and pulled out onto the road. Valentine felt his heart sink. Another day wasted. He would just have to deal with whatever his mind wanted to cook up for the next week and try to smile through it. Just like before... why did his life suck so much.

Valentine looked out the window as the city passed by. People, cars, street signs. "You missed your turn." He sighed... but the car never made a turn to go back the other way. "Niedermayer?"

Valentine looked over to the man behind the wheel. His face back to its usual calm, giving nothing away. "No, I didn't." 

Valentine smiled. "Thank you."

_____


	11. Welcome home...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Val sucked in a breath when Backstrom got to the bottom of the stairs. He looked furious, red faced and even sweaty. It wasn’t the hello he was expecting, but... what was he expecting?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is going on here? Mostly filler to get Val and Backstrom back in the same room.   
> Shorter chapter for this but the next one... will be a lot longer. Promise!

Val didn’t have to ask as an arm wrapped around his waist to help him down the stairs. Wow, did he smell nice. Niedermayer didn’t say a word to him the whole ride to the barge. Valentine didn’t want to push his luck, keeping himself quite on the ride home was his best option.

“Honey, I’m home.” Valentine called out as the stopped at the bottom. Luckily, Backstrom hadn’t gotten wind of where he was just yet. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see him but he needed some time to re adjust, shower, maybe nap… defiantly nap. The arm around his waist still stayed.

“You don’t have to stay Niedermayer, unless,” Val turned to grin at the taller man. “You want to help me freshen up a bit?” Niedermayer let go and sighed.

“The lieutenant won’t be happy about this. Me leaving you alone in your condition wouldn’t be wise.”

Valentine nodded. No, Backstrom wasn’t going to be happy at all. “So, does that mean you’ll be joining me?” He motioned to the door that leads to the bathroom. That got a small laugh out of Niedermayer but noticed the small shake of his head.

“I think I’ll just keep an eye on you for now.” Valentine didn’t push the subject and hobbled himself into his bedroom. The walk earlier was still causing spikes of pain to run through his sides. A warm shower and clean clothes would help. He pulled out a large t-shirt and sweats that were obvious not his own.

“We’re going to need new bandages for your back when you’re done.” Niedermayer stood in the doorway as Val sat on his bed for a moment, fresh clothes in hand.

The things Valentine needed for his wound didn’t really cross his mind as he was making his escape from the hospital, pain medicine being the most important. He should let Niedermayer know where he hid all his best drugs, pop a few before he was in too much pain, but the man would just complain. “Got a first aid kit in the kitchen, should have some stuff in there.”

Niedermayer nodded as he continued to stare at him from the doorway. The events of the past few days started playing back in Valentine’s mind.  Getting shot and what little he remembered from it, the nights spent at the hospital, the fight with his mother, Backstrom on the phone.

Valentine got back up and moved to walk out of his bedroom. When Niedermayer moved out of the way his eyes fell to the table in the middle of the room. A bottle of beer still sitting, unopened, in the middle of it.   _Bad choices._ Valentine felt discouraged and slightly hopeful. Backstrom could have drunk it, made that move he was trying so desperately _not_ to make. He overcame whatever it was and didn’t give in. Val knew it partially his fault though. If he hadn’t gotten shot, Backstrom wouldn’t of had to make that choice in the first place.

He could feel Niedermayer at his side, possibly thinking Valentine needed some kind of support, that’s why he stopped. Val smiled. “I’m okay.” He shuffled away towards the bathroom. “I was just thinking about stuff.”

“Keep the door open.” He heard Niedermayer say behind him. “In case you need me.” Oh, how Valentine could mess with him for that one.

“Yeah, yeah.”

Stripping down wasn’t as hard as he thought it would be. The button up his mother bought was easy enough to remove. The pants, being too small, had him almost tripping himself into the shower stall. He really needed to convince Backstrom to put in a real tub. That would make things go a whole lot smoother.

The water was so hot it stung like bees on his skin. It was almost to the point of turning himself into a lobster. He needed it though. It almost took away the feeling of being stabbed in his back, until he could feel the bandage getting soaked. He silently prayed that when the wound got wet it didn’t floor him immediately. It didn’t, but he did bit his lip so hard he could taste blood on his tongue. After that he didn’t waste time on trying to relax. A quick dose of shampoo, rinse, and he scrambled out of the stall to fall a little too heavily onto the toilet. His legs shook as he reached for a towel hanging from the sink and padded down what all he could while still sitting.

“Niedermayer.” He called out while slipping the pants on. He saw the head pop in quickly. Val smiled while still breathing through the pain. Of course he wouldn’t trust Val to not call him in while being still naked. “Little help now.”

The arm that Valentine was starting to get used to wrapped around him and pulled him up to stand. “You’re in pain.” It wasn’t a question but Val nodded anyway.

“Guess that bandage wasn’t water proof after all.” Niedermayer moved them back to the dining table and Valentine accepted the chair offered to him. It didn’t take Niedermayer long to get to work on his back. He could feel the medical grade tap pull on his skin. When cool air hit his back it felt amazing, even for only a few seconds.

Niedermayer was making unhappy noises behind him. “That bad?” Val asked.

“Well,” Val jumped when something extremely cold touched him. It felt like a gel or maybe a paste, but he stayed still. “I’m not a doctor. I’m sure you’re still going to have to see a professional again soon. Keeping it clean is going to be important but you still need medication to make sure you don’t get an infection.”

The hands on his back were gentle as they continued to work. Valentine would have been preening for this kind of attention from Niedermayer if the situation was different. He didn’t deserve kindness after all the trouble he was putting the man through. “Thank you.” It was simple and he should be saying more. Niedermayer didn’t respond and he continued his work in silence.

The two jumped when they heard a slam come from above them. “Valentine!” Val looked up to see Backstrom coming down the stairs with Moto trying to catch up. He sucked in a breath when he got to the bottom of the stairs. Backstrom looked furious, red faced and even sweaty. It wasn’t the hello he was expecting, but what _was_ he expecting. His view was suddenly blocked by Niedermayer.

“Sir, I can explain what happened.” Niedermayer sounded so level headed. Val could hear Backstrom scuff.

“Explain how he just walked out of the hospital!?” Val couldn’t see, but guessed Backstrom was pointing at him. “How you were supposed to be watching him?” He shouldn’t let Niedermayer try to defend his stupid choices but the anger he heard in his broth- Backstrom’s voice kept him in the chair.

“But he’s okay.” Moto added in. Valentine could see him from behind Niedermayer and the man looked relieved. Val never had people to care about his wellbeing. His mother tried and failed, Backstrom showed he cared in his own way, but now… Niedermayer, Moto, the team.

“He got shot!” Backstrom moved and his eyes landed on Valentine. “He shouldn’t be out of the hospital. What if he-“ He didn’t finish his sentence once their eyes met. Val could see the disappointment, but he also saw relief. Backstrom had been worrying about him, probably damning him to hell and back once he heard about his escape. If their roles were reversed, Val would probably be thinking the same thing. He could have gotten hurt, passed out in a back alley, died. Val would smack him over the head the moment he could find him. Backstrom wasn’t going to hit him though.

“You should go.” Valentine said. Hal didn’t look away from Backstrom but his words were directed at Niedermayer and Moto. They needed to talk; he wouldn’t let Niedermayer see them fight or Val break down. Moto saw them the night with Trippi, saw Valentine. He wasn’t going to do that in front of Niedermayer. “Please.”

Niedermayer moved away from him and he motioned Moto towards their exit. Backstrom looked away to watch the two men walk up the stairs. The break allowed Valentine to pull on his shirt, covering the new bandage Niedermayer put on. They stayed quite until the door to the barge could be heard closing. Val didn’t look up. He picked at his fingers, waiting for Backstrom to lay into him. Tell him he was stupid, how he should drag him back to the hospital, or how he should pack his bags, not wanting to deal with this anymore.

He wasn’t expecting Backstrom to walk away and into his bedroom. Val could hear his drawers open and close. Backstrom came back out, popping pills out of a small white bottle in his hand. He grabbed one of Valentines hands and roughly put two white pills there. He almost slammed the bottle onto the table top and walked behind him to the kitchen. Valentine looked at the pills in his hand; they were part of his meds collection. Backstrom came back again, this time with a glass of water. Valentine took and swallowed the pills, downing as much water as he could.

It was awkward, them not saying anything to each other, Backstrom moving around him. Another chair was pulled out and Backstrom sat down in front of him. He steepled his hands on the table and looked at the beer bottle. Val glanced at it. Backstrom still looked angry and Valentine didn’t know how to even start. Instead, he stood up on shaky legs, grabbed the bottle, and walked into the kitchen. Backstrom didn’t say anything as he opened it and started to poor it down the drain. When the bottle was empty Val dropped it into the trash can.

“There anymore?” Val looked over and saw the man frowning at the table, not looking at him.

“In the fridge.” Valentine nodded and walked over to the fridge. “Stop.” He paused with his hand on the door. “Sit down for a minute.”

Valentine sighed as he shuffled back to the table and sat back into the chair. He felt nervous, sitting in front of the man who held his life pretty much in his hands. They were on such a level playing field before, not anymore.

“You shouldn’t have left the hospital.” Backstrom kept his eyes on the table. It was a pretty simple starter. Val nodded, not lying or making excuses for that. “I should have been there.”

Val watched as he ran his hands over his face. The motion was almost painful. “You can’t just-“ Whatever Backstrom was thinking, he wasn’t able to say it flat out. Valentine didn’t blame him. Last night Valentine was a vulnerable mess. Backstrom knew that after their talk and he hated that the man had to think before he spoke now.

“Just… say it Backstrom.” Their eyes met again. There wasn’t any relief there.

“I was worried… about you.” Backstrom sighed. “Moto told me they couldn’t find you and I, I don’t know, freaked out I guess.” Valentine watched the emotions run over Backstrom’s face. The man really _did_ care about what happened to him. Valentine could feel himself shake slightly. He still had Backstrom, even after what happened, even if they weren’t brothers. He could cry it felt so good to see that.

“Do _not_ … do that again.” Val smiled and he could feel his eyes water and looked down for a moment. “Or I swear I really will kick you out this time.” He let a laugh slip and nodded.

“Yeah, okay.”

 He looked up and the look Backstrom had on his face was new. It was _softer_ than what he was used to. Almost the same face he had when Val gave him his mother’s bowl, or the day he made Val a kite, but… not. Valentine felt his chest tighten and he blushed slightly.

Backstrom must have noticed himself and cleared his throat as he stood. “You gonna be okay for, I don’t know, an hour or so?” Val was confused. “Still gotta sign you out and that shit,” He pointed at the bottle of pain meds. “It’s been expired for over a year.”

Valentine felt a little disoriented. It might have been the medicine or the quick change in Backstrom. “Yeah, okay.”

Backstrom nodded and started heading up the stairs. “Wait.” Val stood up as quickly as he could and walked up to the stair rail. “So, does that mean that I can…”

Backstrom looked confused and then smiled. “You can stay.” Valentine expected for the usual, ‘you stay if you pay rent’ spiel but it never came. Backstrom still had the same smile on his face as he continued up the stairs. “I’m picking us up dinner. Something healthy, I know.”

The door closed behind him and Valentine was left alone. His thoughts and feeling going in circles. What just happened? Backstrom, even as his brother, was never this nice. Something else had to be going on for him to just be so accepting. The normal Backstrom would have dragged him back to the hospital kicking and screaming, or he would have yelled at him for the rest of the day. This wasn’t normal… and that look.

Valentine sighed and brushed a hand through his hair. He was happy that he still had a place to stay and someone who was still there for him, but he was going to have to keep a close eye on his roommate. Something was going on with Backstrom… and he needed to know what.

 

_____


	12. Sentimentality... part1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valentine depended on Backstrom more than he should. Thinking back to what Niedermayer said in the hospital... maybe what was happening really was unhealthy. How could Backstrom not see that coming?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN UPDATE!!!!
> 
> So here is what is happening. I have no keyboard and have been traveling. Why does my tablet like to repeat every few words/every sentence i type? It takes me four times as long to get anything done. I CAN"T WAIT to get my new keyboard. The rest of this chapter or part2 rather, is near complete. I really wanted to get something on here and part 2 will be a continuation of Backstrom. Then all Valentine for the next chapter and back to normal size chapters etc. 
> 
> There is nothing I can say to apologize for how long this is taking. For those that are still reading and interested... Thank you so much for sticking with me. I really hope a lapse in time like this does not happen anymore till this story is done. 
> 
> I still have no beta so i'm sorry for any typo or grammar errors.

Backstrom could feel his blood pressure spike as he shut the door behind him. His hands were shaking slightly. The moment he got the call from Niedermayer saying he'd lost Valentine, Backstrom thought he would go through the roof. He knew he should of called Val earlier that morning. Knew things weren't okay yet. Their call last night... Val was messed up, fragile even, he needed someone to be there, and Everett was stupid enough to think is ex brother could be left alone for the day. Chief Cervantes was eying him all day. If it wasn't for Almond, Everett would still be neck deep in paper work. Niedermayer... He just had to send Niedermayer... Good going jackass.

“Sir?” Moto and Niedermayer were standing on the pier.

“Moto, I need you to stay here. Look after Valentine and do not let him off that barge.” Moto nodded and moved to step back onto the ship. He could see Niedermayer's gaze follow the other man as he knocked on the door and disappeared inside. Backstrom frowned.

“I'm gonna have to go back to the hospital and call off the nation guard.” Everett brushed past the stoic figure.

“I'm sorry Lieutenant.” Backstrom could feel the man following him. “I know you're-”

“Upset!?” Backstrom turned with more force than was necessary. “I get a call saying my what, critically injured br- _roommate_ isn't in the hospital anymore. That he might be what, walking around downtown like everything is okay and he wasn't almost dead a week ago? Tell me, what the hell were you doing Mr. Perfect? I swear to God, if you tell me he talked you into that, I will...” He had to stop and breath.

“Valentine didn't _persuade_ me to do anything. I misjudged a situation and … we found him.” Backstrom wanted to lash out. Finally give himself a reason to punch Niedermayer in the face. Oh how amazing it would be, broken nose or broken jaw, _something_ to knock the smugness out of him.

“Misjudged.” Everett laughed. He decide to turn away before he really did do something stupid and started walking towards the street.

“If I had known Valentine was unstable but whiling enough to refuse proper medical treatment,“ Backstrom slowed his pace and looked down the street for a cab. “I wouldn't of let him leave his room. I wouldn't of put him in danger like that.”

“Why didn't you bring him back to the hospital then?” Everett threw his hand out when a cab passed by. “Why'd you bring him here?” Backstrom didn't want to look at the other man. His anger was starting to fade and reality was pulling him back into focus. Niedermayer did what Everett would of done himself. Looked away or believed the smaller man into thinking he wouldn't jump out the nearest window if given the chance. Valentine didn't want to stay in that hotel any more than... well, at all. That blue eyed pout would get that man out of anything.

“He said he couldn't go back. That it would make things worse for him.” Niedermayer continued as another cab passed by. “He said he needed _you_ more than he needed to go back to the hospital.” Backstrom's arm fell.

He could feel this conversation shifting into an area he didn't want to delve into. Valentine depended on Backstrom more than he should, that was obvious now. Thinking back to what Niedermayer said in the hospital... maybe what was happening really was unhealthy. How could Backstrom not see that coming? A shiver ran down his spine. With their recent change, all of these knowing looks or comments people were giving him, Backstrom felt uneasy even talking about Val now. Maybe Niedermayer was right about Valentine being family still. Even though.... Everett never expected the younger man to go this far for... _anyone_. No, Niedermayer had to be wrong about this. Wait... Backstrom was getting ahead of himself.

“I'm not the one who needs to be in the hospital.” He almost growled. “I would think someone as smart as you would know when you're being played.”

“You're right.” Backstrom heard the sound of jingling behind him and turned to look at Niedermayer, car keys in hand. “But... why did _you_ allow him to stay?”

The two stood in silence, Backstrom not sure how to answer that. It wasn't often he was stumped for words and the specialist in front of him would most likely jump to a conclusions if Backstrom didn't spit something out. “You've met Valentine. Bring him back and he'll just get out again. Next time... “

He wanted to say he was worried no one would be there and Val would get hurt or worse, but that was showing sentiment. “You driving me or not?” Changing the subject would have to do.

Niedermayer was still looking at him. “Is that the only reason, Sir?”

Of course he wouldn't get off that easy. Backstrom shook his head and looked back down the pier and to the barge. He wasn't admitting anything to Niedermayer. Not how he really did care, or how he was really worried and wanted to drag Val kicking screaming back to the ER, how weak he got and almost drank himself into the river, or how everyone seemed to know just how Backstrom was feeling but himself. Everett took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

“I'll tell you the reason...” The other man raised a questioning look. “When I'm damn good and ready to tell you.” _Coward._

“Now will you...please,” He forced. “Take me to the hospital so I can get this over with?”

He counted the seconds it took for Niedermayer to move. To his surprise, Niedermayer didn't say anything as he lead Backstrom to his car. _Small miracles._ Backstrom could the questions buzzing around the mans head but made it seem like whatever the city had to look at, was the most important thing in the world. _Please... just don't ask me anymore questions._


	13. Sentimentality...part2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He sighed. "So the team made a bet on how long I'd be sober? I feel the love." Everett looked out of the window at the building passing by.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A random update appears!  
> 02/01/17
> 
> I have no excusses other than i fell out of the fandom due to other shows and moving on... but then i find myself coming back to this show. I still miss this show and will be 5ever bitter.
> 
> To get back into this the next few chapters are small. I'm putting a few on here at the same time. I'm stuck on overnights at work so i have nothing else to do but find random wifi signals and type. 
> 
> No beta so excuse any errors I may have missed!

The car ride was awkward as hell. Niedermayer, surprisingly out of character, stayed completely silent as he navigated them back to the hospital. Every now and then he could feel eyes looking at him but he'd just grit his teeth and bear it. Why did Niedermayer have to be the one that was there when Val had his episode, or when Everett passed out, or had to open his mouth about feelings and family and bull shit that he wasn't going to talk about. He was not going to make it about himself and his problems. Val came first. Family or not, he would always come first. Sure he was condoning bad behavior... He was Everett Backstrom, king of the immoral, unethical, and down right stupid choices. He had a list of people to vouch for him for that title. Niedermayer was one of them. The man was polar opposite to Everett and yet...

Backstrom looked over at his driver. "You'd tell me the truth if I asked for it right?"

Niedermayer shrugged his shoulders as he pulled the car to a red light."I think it's safe to say that; given our passed conversations and our quest at hand, you want me to be honest about something along the lines of one Gregory Valentine?"

"You couldn't have just said yes?" Backstrom frowned.

Niedermayer tried to hide his smile but Backstrom saw it pretty clearly. "Yes Sir, I would tell you the truth about anything."

Everett paused and thought up reasons to just end the conversation now. Why'd he even open his mouth in the first place?

"I... what's your opinion on me drinking again?"

"Are you asking me if I believe it to be good or bad?" Niedermayer didn't look to thrilled about his question. He didn't blame him or anyone else if he gets pulled into another A.A. for even bringing it up.

"In general, I guess." He could see Niedermayer's focus shift away from the road slightly.

"When Valentine and I arrived at the barge, I admit I wasn't to thrilled at seeing that bottle on your table." _Of course_. "I was worried, and angry... But I do understand. So much happened in such a short period of time. What happened with Valentine or what could have happened. I told you, I've never had to go through that with anyone close to me. Well, until now."

Everett could feel himself nod as Niedermayer continued.

"If it were my life and some one close to me... or as close as you and Valentine are, I wouldn't be surprised if I was to feel tempted. As far as alcohol being the so-called 'drug of choice', that would be easy for me to fall into. You on the other hand may... lose more than a few hours of being sober. You've been trying very hard and making larger strides than some of us on the team even thought possible. I commend your efforts and I sympathize with your struggles."

He sighed. "So the team made a bet on how long I'd be sober? I feel the love." Everett looked out the window at the building passing by.

"That's not true." The two men looked at each other. Backstrom didn't know if he should even fight the obvious lie. He knew his team, even if they didn't have years of experience together like some... they still knew each other sickenly well. He wouldn't blame them if they started a bet at his expense. Paquet was probably the winner of most of them.

"True or not, don't go hashing out the cash just yet. I didn't do it." It was only for a moment but he could see the minute surprise cross Niedermayer's face. "I wanted to. Hell, the way people've been reacting I probably should of."

He watched Niedermayer's hands ring at the steering wheel. "May I ask... why?"

Why was the operative question. So many people were asking him why. _Why?_ Cause he didn't want to? Cause it was shit beer and if he was gonna cheat it was supposed to be on something better? Cause Amy was right and he shouldn't even have to question himself into drinking again. _Do it for Valentine_... Everett thought about how disappointed the younger man would be if he saw him last night. He'd probably knock him out of his chair if he could. Scream at him, refuse to talk to him and hold up in his room, not even fix him any dinner the next day... _What are we? Some married couple?_

"I don't know..." _Liar_. Everett huffed and rubbed his hands on his pants... when did they get so clammy. "I guess... I didn't really need it. Just took me too long to realize that."

It wasn't some big declaration or even him admitting to someone how much Valentine's opinion effected him... but Everett could feel something inside of him loosen a little. It was true though. Valentine was why he wanted to drink... and why he wanted to stop. It wasn't even for himself anymore. He just couldn't live with himself knowing it would hurt him. Too bad he could never get to that point when he was with Amy. Things would have been completely different.

"Well, I'm glad you realized it Sir."

Everett nodded and looked out the window again at the buildings passing by.

"Yeah."


	14. Discharged...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He's scared Deb... and I don't mean they're gonna stick me with big needles or the weird beeping is getting to me, type hospital scared."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 02/01/17
> 
> More Backstrom cause... why not?  
> Just trying to finish this hospital arc and getting on to the next.  
> Next chapter we'll find out what Valentine and Moto are up to back at the barge!

"Mr. Backstrom?"

  
No, he could do this. Don't give into what they say. If anything they just want his tax dollars to keep Val in this hell hole longer.

  
"Lieutenant, you need to understand the severity of the situation. Your-"

  
"He isn't gonna keel over, right?" Doctor Linch didn't take his sarcastic sounding question very well based off of his expression. He could feel the judgement coming from Niedermayer farther down the fall from them.

  
"With an excess of physical exertion, he could aggravate his injury. The muscles in his back may never heal properly."

  
Everett felt an eye roll coming on. "So no running around, got it."

  
The doctor frowned. "Sir, the hospital can't force anyone treatment if they're of sound mind... but I strongly suggest you reconsider treating him at home. Bullet wounds are serious. Valentine is making a very clean recovery. I do not want to see all of our efforts go to waste."

  
Backstrom wanted to agree. But Val's face from before kept popping into his head. Who knows how long it would be till he had another panic attack. Hell, the guy escaped a perfectly fine health care facility for a reason. He could tell the long pause the doctor was giving him was a sign Backstrom should just give in and agree.

  
Even if Everett agreed, at that point, Val would just be dragged in kicking and screaming. Aggravating the wound? He'd probably wound others in the process.

  
"Listen Doc, Valentine... he-" Everett glanced back at Niedermayer. Did Val tell the guy why he really left other than needing to be in Backstroms space? "He doesn't handle hospitals very well. Keep him here and you might have more than a strained muscle to deal with."

  
Linch sighed. "It's been made quite clear that Valentine is suffering from more than a bullet wound. Another reason I suggest keeping him in this hospital. Again, I cannot force him to accept treatment."

  
The man handed over paper work and a bag with two bottles inside. Everett guessed they were the prescriptions that Val would need. Before he could take them the doctor held on, dragging Backstrom's gaze upward. The man still had a frown and lines started creeping around his eyes and forehead from frustration.

  
"It isn't my expertise, but I've worked in this hospital for many years, and all i can do is the same thing I've done to many people over the years. That's to warn you Mr.Backstrom. Valentine needs to be seen. He needs to talk and not just to someone who is a relation. No one wants to admit they have a problem. But as someone who cares about Mr. Valentine, I suggest you get him help for his past traumas."

  
The doctor let go of the bag. Everett had to react to it before the bag slipped from his fingers.

  
"I request Mr. Valentine be seen by a family doctor if he refuses to stay here. Someone he might feel comfortable enough with. His paperwork, discharge, and prescription information is in this packet. All of his records can be transferred when a suitable physician is found. His medication dosage and restrictions are on the bottle labels."

  
Backstrom expected a handshake and another stern look as a goodbye but Linch just turned on his heals and walked away briskly. _Disappointing_. The doctor was just doing his job... but Everett could feel this nagging taking over in his brain. Doctor Linch was right about Val. Backstrom wasnt some doctor that could help anyone talk out their feelings. Hell, he couldn't even talk about his own issues. How was he gonna get Valentine do that?

  
"Sir." Niedermayer came up beside him and made to grab the bag and papers from his hands.

  
"I never liked doctors, hospitals, any of it." Backstrom started. "Always something, always wanting money, their opinions are for shit, worse than the government some times."  
Niedermayer shrugged. "But... what happens when you agree with them?" Backstrom asked to no one in particular. He expected Niedermayer to have some kind of awe inspiring answer. He was at a loss when the younger man didn't give him a response. He just gave Everett a blank look and started walking towards the exit.

  
"Lieutenant Backstrom?" The two stopped. Deb in his white coat and clipboard appeared through the sliding doors leading outside. "I've heard some interesting things have happened. Please do not tell me you've allowed Gregory Valentine out of the hospital in his condition."

  
"Doctor Chaman-" Niedermayer started but was stopped abruptly by Deb raising his hand. His gaze bore into Backstrom.

  
"I am dissapointed that our conversation has led you to this kind of act. I assure you Mr.Backstrom this is in no way chivalrous nor the time for such declarations in this manner."  
"Woah, woah!" Backstrom threw his hands up and looked frantically in Niedermayers direction. Everett grabbed Debs arm and hauled the man away from the other mans range of hearing.

  
"One, _declaration_? Really?" Deb crossed his arms over his chest. "I didn't break Valentine out of this place just to show my devotion to his wishes. Wait, I didn't break him out _period_. I wasn't even here."

  
"Apparently the hospital has been on high alert since the early hours due to a patient disappearing. You can imagine my disbelief at finding out whom it was."

  
Backstrom shook his head. "You're a doctor here. I'm sure you've already heard what's going on. Val couldn't stay here. Yeah he's still recovering but you know what it's doing to him being here."

  
Deb grimaced. "I am discouraging this behavior; not bring him back here for proper medical care."

  
"Deb, come on. Valentine... he..." Everett didn't know how much he should divulge to his doctor. He already guessed Val's nightmares and panic attacks were pretty well-known after that first night.

  
He took a deep breath "He's scared Deb... and I don't mean they're gonna stick me with big needles or the weird beeping is getting to me, type hospital scared. I've known him for years and I've never seen him like that. I can't- He needs me. I can't leave him here."

  
Deb looked discouraged. Everett didn't blame him. Valentine and Deb were surprisingly cool with each other. Something few doctors seemed to get even close to when it came to Gregory Valentine. The two even laughed together when poking fun at something Everett did, said, or felt during his awkward appointments.

  
"Bring him to me, to my office, the first chance you get." Deb reached a hand out and squeezed Backstrom's arm. It was awkward but he understood. It was only the beginning of Deb's involvement... but Backstrom felt a little more relieved. Deb was reliable, familiar, safe...

  
Backstrom nodded and headed to leave the hospital. "Lets go Niedermayer." He refussed to read into any looks the younger man was shooting him.

  
Luckily the two didn't talk on the ride back to the marina. Not like Everett had anything to really say anymore. His mind just kept going in loops about Valentine. Why couldn't his life just be easier? He must have done some really fucked up things in his past life...

  
_Oh hell. Past life? I've been around Niedermayer too much._


End file.
